Pearl Harbor — A Japanese airstrike at approximately 4:07 pm local time Sunday went largely unnoticed as millions of Americans took to social media to express their outrage over Miley Cyrus’ VMAs performance. Reported deaths vary largely as first responders and investigators continue to argue about Cyrus being named number one on Maxim’s Hot 100.
A senior Japanese official within the Supreme War Council who spoke on condition of anonymity attributed the surprise attack to the tasteless sexuality on display throughout the VMAs broadcast. “I mean I let my 12-year-old daughter watch it,” he said. “What happened to Hannah Montana?”
President Barack Obama has yet to address the American public about the strike as he continues to scroll through his Facebook newsfeed and comment on friends’ posts, though he did release a tweet shortly after the airstrike stating, “OMG isn’t Robin Thicke married?? #MileyTwerkinOnIt #DontTellPaula.”
Republican leadership has pressed the White House for action against the pop star. Speaker of the House John Boehner said in a statement early this morning, “All options need to be on the table when considering how best to protect our children from these booty-shaking, molly-popping influences.” When asked about the violence at Pearl Harbor the Speaker refused comment until more information emerged about Cyrus’s nude underwear.
A US military response to the VMAs performance is expected in the coming days.