a batch of funny one liners
The rooster’s favourite genre of anime is hentai.
In hell they make you old and then lose your channel changer.
You can get dead batteries free of charge.
In the room, the curtains were drawn, but the rest of the furniture was real.
A thief fell into wet cement, so he became a hardened criminal.
I’m writing a book about orgasmic clocks called When the Time Comes.
I joined a gym, we go around to people’s houses, telling them the benefits of joining Jehovah’s Fitness.
I can’t count how many times I’ve correctly solved a math equation.
The number 10210 is too intense.
Due to recent inflation, Dollar Tree has changed its name to Tree Fiddy
Yes, Henry VIII might have had those women beheaded, but none of them complained about it afterwards.
My friend keeps trying to convince me that he’s a compulsive liar, but I don’t believe him.
Although his bicycle’s brakes were broken, it didn’t stop him from riding.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Geologists’ theories about earthquakes are on shaky ground.
My wife’s birthday next week and she’s been leaving jewelry catalogs all over our house, so I got her a magazine rack.
Remember when grooming was a good thing?
My wife asked for some peace and quiet while she made dinner so I unplugged the smoke alarm.
In Australia a Local Area Network is called the LAN down under.
I forgot to breathe once.
It seems like the “How To Use A Fire Extinguisher” video on Youtube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
Thieves who steal corn from a garden should be charged with stalking.
A wizard asked me to proof read one of his scrolls last week but actually, it was more of a spell check.
I’ve never used math, if you don’t count those few times; and I don’t.
Take note: Never go into an employment office looking for a hand job.
There were a bunch of flyers on the ground in my neighborhood that said ‘Lost staple gun’.
I lost 50lbs in a single day, but it cost me an arm and a leg
Super Bowl: If I wanted to watch athletes I’d watch squirrels.
A cross-eyed teacher could not control his pupils
The police did not understand the Italian man they arrested, as he was handcuffed.
Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
My wife says I never buy her flowers, but I didn’t even know she sold flowers.
Some laughs needed so let’s see what y’all have! Keep it going with one liner rhymes: “what’s the deal, happy meal?” “What’s the haps, bacon wraps?” “Pass the lighter, street fighter”
When grave-diggers go on strike, all digging gets done by a skeleton crew.
You shouldn’t judge an unfashionable person until you’ve walked a mile in their Crocs.
My mom can’t find my brother after he want to hang out with his emo friends today.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought: That’s the last thing I
According to science, the atoms in my body contain the energy of 30 hydrogen bombs, and yet, not enough energy to get me up early to go jogging.
The other half of New Guinea Island should really be called Muama New Guinea
All generalizations are false.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger, and then it hit me.
My time in the sports goods black market taught me there’s a lot of money in the tennis racket
The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.