How to (and not) watch porn
Attention passengers onboard our Southwest airlines flight to Orlando. We’ve just reached our cruising altitude, and oh…..ohhhh….. yeah!
Planes can fly on autopilot. This allows pilots to take time off to use the restroom or grab a meal. In the case of Southwest Airlines pilot Michael Haak, it’s also the perfect time to watch porn. According to a recent court case, when the plane Haak was piloting reached cruising altitude, he left the pilot’s seat, removed his clothes, and began watching pornography on his laptop. I guess it gives new meaning to cruising altitude.
“It started as a consensual prank between me and the other pilot. I never imagined it would turn into this in a thousand years,” Haak said during the court hearing. He lost his job and was fined $5000. He also learned even though it’s called the cockpit, he needs to keep his own cock in its hangar.
Haak may have had a long and distinguished career, but now, when you type his name into Google, you return pages of results relating to his porn watching.
Haak isn’t alone in being caught watching porn at work.
The rise and (rise and rise) of porn
Have a guess how many online searches are related to porn. I’ll wait.
OK, hands up if you guessed that 1 in 8 online searches are to porn sites. That is a far bigger number than I expected. Since we have been locked down at home, Pornhub has seen a significant rise in traffic — up 11.6%.
According to CNBC, “Every second $3,075 dollars are spent on adult content, more than 28,000 Internet users are viewing it, 372 Internet users are typing adult terms into search engines to find it, and every 39 seconds a new pornographic video is produced in the United States.”
Porn is popular. But as with anything, there is a time and place.
The Congressman seeking the sexy amateur vote
In 2016 Mike Webb ran for U.S. Congress in Virginia’s 8th district.
He uploaded a screenshot to his campaign Facebook page, which for some reason, include his web browser. And it seems that Webb was doing a little bit of porn watching judging by the open pages “IVONE SEXY AMATEUR” and “LAYLA RIVERA TIGHT BOOTY.”
Source: Gawker screenshot
The post went viral. Webb could have issued an apology or even owned his internet habits but instead posted a 2000 word long ramble. He claimed that he was only “visiting a porn site as an experiment to test whether or not there was a specific virus targeted at people; running for office.”
Realizing that was stupid, he then issued a second statement quoting verses from the Bible.
The 11th Commandment should have been Thou Shall Not Watch Porn On Work Computers.
You might as well face it you’re addicted to porn
Too much porn can lead to an addiction.
Former NFL star and actor Terry Crews confessed in 2016 to decade-long porn addiction. “For years, years, years, my dirty little secret was that I was addicted to pornography. It really, really messed up my life in a lot of ways.” He entered rehab and worked on overcoming his addiction.
There are some signs that may indicate a porn addiction. These may include
having a distorted sense of intimacy and sexuality
no longer feeling attracted to your partner
you become anti-social and prefer to look at porn than socialize
you spend a lot of money on accessing pornography
if you spend more than 12 hours watching porn a week
It is estimated that between 5 and 8% of adults may have a porn addiction.
And one sign might be if you feel the need to view porn when at work.
NSFW
Often I will see an article or video, and it is labeled NSFW — standing for not suitable for work. Anyone with common sense should realize that porn is not suitable for watching at work. Yet, people are regularly caught out.
In 2015, three judges in the United Kingdom were fired for watching pornography on court computers. The Judicial Conduct Investigations Office said that the judges’ actions constituted an “inexcusable misuse of their judicial I.T. accounts” and was “wholly unacceptable conduct for a judicial office holder.” Sadly for Michael Haak, none of them presided over his case — he may have escaped penalty.
People working in the British public sector are clearly big pornographic lovers. In 2017, over a four-month period, there were 24,473 attempts made on devices connected to the parliamentary network. That’s once every nine minutes.
The workplace seems to be a popular place to watch porn. Before we all moved to working from home, one study found that 52% of men aged 18–30 admit to viewing porn at work within three months. For men ages 31–49, it was 74%. This was despite all of the respondents admitting being caught would cause them to lose their job.
Perhaps the risk of being fired adds to the thrill.
How to get away with murder…I mean, watching porn
Watching porn is a perfectly acceptable habit. It just needs to be done correctly and preferably not at the office. If you wish to watch, then our good friends at WikiHow provide a tutorial on how not to get caught looking at porn.
It includes a few simple tips.
Keep other windows open so you can quickly switch tabs. “Gee, you spend a lot of time on the Excel spreadsheet, Jenkins.”
Don’t wear headphones when you watch so you can hear if people come into the room.
Face the door so no one can sneak up on you.
There also tips on how to clear your browser history and concealing devices.
However, the good people at Wiki didn’t solve one reader’s problem who asked, “How do I get rid of an erection quickly, so I don’t get caught?”
The money shot
Watching porn is normal. It can be a healthy part of your sex life. Porn can normalize desire and self-exploration and help you discover new things.
It has been proven as a way to explore and validate your sexuality. And, of course, porn can be incorporated into sexual relationships. Watching porn can also be a good stress relief.
The numbers don’t lie. Many people are watching porn, and there should be no shame or embarrassment in doing so.
Just don’t watch it when you are supposed to be flying a plane—or ruling on a court case.