medium.com /the-ascent/5-questions-you-have-every-right-to-ask-someone-when-dating-6dd75ae703c8

5 Questions You Have Every Right to Ask Someone When Dating

Kirstie Taylor 6-8 minutes 4/17/2021

No matter how many dates you’ve been on.

Kirstie Taylor

Photo by Charly Pn on Unsplash

Too many times I’ve heard people say they’re scared to ask certain questions to the person they’re dating. “What if it’s too soon? What if I scare them off?” are usually their main concerns.

As a woman who was raised in the '90s, this advice seemed logical. I grew up watching TV shows with overly-eager girls asking out guys; the scenario ending in the girl seeming clingy.

I experienced it myself, too. Like the time I asked a guy I’d been dating for months and was going to prom with if he was my boyfriend. Or the time someone I dated was acting sketchy and I asked him what was up and he replied that I was overreacting (spoiler: he was cheating).

But now that I’ve gone through a decade of dating and relationships, I realize the problem wasn’t me.

Dating is exciting. Learning about someone new is fun and who doesn’t love butterflies in your stomach? But bringing a new person into your life also creates trepidation, hesitation, worry for both your physical and emotional safety.

The latter emotions are entirely valid. Dating is beautiful, emotional, vulnerable, and scary wrapped up into one. And because of this mixture, the questions once labeled as “taboo” make complete sense and are within your right to ask.

So here are a few questions you should ask the person you’re dating, regardless of how you think they might react:

What their intentions for dating are.

I’ve never understood why this isn’t a go-to first-date question. You’re not asking the other person, then and there, if they want to make a marriage pact with you. You’re simply understanding where their head is at.

Because not everyone is dating for a serious relationship. And if that’s something you’re looking for, wouldn’t you want to know sooner rather than weeks down the line? I sure as hell would.

If you lay awake at night with this question nagging at your mind, then ask the next time you see them. You don’t need to wait for them to make that move.

The best part is, if they react badly or give you an answer that’s incongruent to your intentions, you’ve saved yourself wasted time. If they respond well, your worries are over. Both outcomes are a win.

Whether you’re exclusive or monogamous.

If you’re sleeping with someone, ask this question. If you want to know before sleeping with the person, ask this question. If this question has been racing through your mind for the past week, ask this question.

There’s nothing worse than moving forward in the relationship and having your heart hurt because the two of you weren’t on the same page. There are rare cases where you might be able to assume your exclusivity, but if you’re worried in the least bit, it’s better to clear the air.

This defining of the relationship is even more important when your physical health is at stake. Again, worrying about being labeled as “crazy” or “overly eager” should be the least of your concerns. If that’s how someone reacts, consider yourself to have dodged a bullet.

Their sexual health.

Choosing to be sexually active with someone is a big decision. I would have this conversation with someone, even before we did anything physical. No matter how early you are in dating someone, you should consider having this talk.

STDs are no joke. That’s something that could severely impact your health for the rest of your life. Never let someone make you feel like this isn’t your right to know. If you’re sexually active with them, it’s your business, too.

So go ahead and have the talk about whether or not your partner has been tested. If you want to journey into a beautiful relationship, creating a solid understanding of clean sexual health is something you’ll both benefit from.

How they feel about you.

Even in the longest of relationships, how someone feels about the other can be unclear. Not everyone can express their feelings well. Not everyone shows love in the same way. And you know what? Sometimes it’s just nice to be reminded of someone’s feelings for you.

My boyfriend and I, still to this day, have relationship check-ins. Sure, I’m not starting them by asking “do you still love me?” but we do talk about any issues that are lingering and do a sort of wellness check on things.

Asking how your relationship is going and where they see things heading is completely reasonable. Be careful not to bring it up too much, though. Continually questioning the status of your relationship can be a sign of insecurities you need to work on or an anxious attachment.

How their past relationships affected them.

People experience present love based on their past loves.

When I first got into my relationship with my boyfriend, I was terrified of getting close to someone. I’d dated such assholes in the past that my boyfriend’s kindness made me suspicious of him.

One day I sat him down to talk a bit about my past. I didn’t share this part of me to make him jealous or unload unresolved feelings on him. Rather, I wanted to explain a bit about why I acted in certain ways and how I was working to fix them.

So many things affect the way we love; from our parents to past relationships. Those experiences greatly affect who the person you’re dating is today. Maybe they struggle to open up to you and talking about their past relationships could reveal how they were deeply betrayed in the past.

Obviously, don’t pry something out of someone. If they don’t want to talk about things, respect that. Just let them know that if they ever change their mind, you’re there to talk.

But if they are open to it, it could be a way for you both to connect and understand each other. This might not be easy for them, but creating space for them to open up when they’re ready will do wonders for your relationship.

There’s so much truth to be found in someone’s reaction. Advice that says not to bring up a subject with someone you’re dating because it might scare them off is nonsense. If that person is going to leave, let them.

The only person that’s going to prioritize your emotional and physical well-being is yourself; you have every right to ask these questions to the person you’re dating and doing so could be the ease your mind is desperately craving.

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