Sexuality
Try #9 at least once.
What if the context forced you to have a meaningful and satisfactory sex life? You owe that to yourself, yet there’s nothing more complex to achieve.
BDSM, like other fetishistic lifestyles, embraces the oddities and unique sexual interests of its practitioners. That’s why my intention it’s revisiting those successful aspects of BDSM that should leave their definitive rubber or latex stamp in every bedroom for everyone’s gain and everyone’s pleasure… especially yours.
Nevertheless, I’m not trying to convince anyone to get into a Dom-Sub relationship, nor do I profit from selling whips. You know what they say from people like me, we just want to have fun…
Let’s agree on a safeword first:
I’ll repeat, I won’t try to trick you into believing BDSM is meant for everyone. This article is in no way a sermon on how latex suits you — it does highly enhance your sense of touch, though.
Instead, this article is about understanding why opening yourself to trying some relatively mainstream fetish strategies will help your sex life.
Here, you will learn how to communicate your desires, expectations, and sexual needs no matter how kinky, different, dull, or straight down bizarre you might think they are.
“BDSM is about dropping the pretenses; I want you completely exposed. “
- Sierra Cartwright
Why you and your partner need to read this:
Easy: because when there’s no trust, something as harmless as watching porn together becomes impossible.
On the other hand, there’s the false belief that to be a part of a long-term relationship requires keeping your kinkiness to yourself. As if being married was a life sentence, and your spouse was just a big ball and chain.
If there’s one thing that can effectively dry up your sex life, it’s intimacy issues. Yes, intimacy issues look different from one couple to the next, but unfortunately, sometimes those issues can disguise themselves as an evergrowing list of sex partners, an inability to commit, and serial loneliness.
And even though that life seems glamorous and full of action, that routine reduces the chances you have to fulfill your fantasies, both romantically and sexually.
Nobody could say people with intimacy issues don’t try hard enough. We do, but we lack the skills to turn these efforts into long-lasting results.
If you felt shivers going down your spine while reading “long-lasting,” you’re probably one of us. Welcome. You might be wondering what type of “intimacy training” could BDSM provide you?
You would be amazed.
1. It’s all about tying the knot:
Sorry, I can’t help but throw a joke here and there. I’m a naughty, naughty writer!
Think of this:
“You’re tied, a muzzle in your mouth, a full face cover that prevents you from watching what’s happening next, and you’re completely naked.”
Instead of focusing on feeling embarrassed or overwhelmed by whatever part of your body makes you feel unattractive, you’re experiencing a sudden rush of emotions.
From excitement to arousal and everything in between, “slave training” can expand the horizons of your pleasure.
Another secondary effect is that no matter which role you feel more identified with, or even if you’re not into any role, building trust with your sex partner will lead you to confront the possibility of staying around, coming back for more.
“Right on the edge of fear was where trust could grow.”
― Cherise Sinclair
2. Take a walk on the wild side:
According to this research, BDSM practitioners tend to be more extroverted. On top of that, according to this research, they are more “open to experience and conscientious, and less neurotic, as well as less sensitive to rejection, more securely attached, and higher in subjective well-being.”
Why could that be?
Well, right off the top of my head, embracing your kinky side does take work and courage. Seeking new sensations can get you some discouraging eye-rolls, rejections, and insults when you’re still on your way to find other shibari-suited sheep like yourself.
How does that apply to you, a regular Jane or Joe who isn’t pursuing a professional career as a dungeon keeper? For instance, you should stop feeling ashamed for having a sexual fantasy.
Where do you think your going? Woh-pshhh… (that’s the best whiplash onomatopoeia I could find, in case you’re still wondering.)
Stop forcing yourself to live a life that isn’t your life but a set of expectations that many times are not even realistic, not even yours.
Intimacy seems to be one of the major highs of life, whether it’s getting to know yourself in a deeper way, your partner, or the world and the society you live in.
— Jeff Bridges
3. We can all learn about consent from BDSM:
While sexual consent has come to the public arena pretty recently, the talk about consent has been a must in the BDSM scene for several decades. So with that in mind, let’s all consider the benefits of having a safe word.
There’s no Master without a Slave, and that’s a unique bond. If you don’t have your slave’s consent to engage in a particular game, let’s say spanking, and you still go ahead and fulfill your urge to smack them hard, it’s most likely you’re not going to put your hands over that romp ever again.
You’re not only breaking the agreement you once had with your play-partner, but you’re also guilty of rape.
Plus, as the BDSM scene is relatively small, a good reputation could dissappear in seconds.
Why a safeword and not something easy like saying no? Because there’s a subtle difference between telling apart a firm NO and a “no, nooo, nooo… yes!” And stopping a role game abruptly could be catastrophic orgasm-wise.
That’s why the word “no” can sometimes be misleading, while “faucet” gives you all the certainty you’ll need. Having a safeword can help you and your partner build a safe environment to enjoy sex together.
4. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries:
Have you heard about BDSM contracts? Detailed descriptions of sessions setting the number of clothespins and even needles used during a game?
Well, imagine how great the world it would be if we could all talk about sex and set our limits while freely discussing our expectations with comfort, clarity, and honesty.
Imagine how fulfilling and sexy it would be to have a conversation like that with your boyfriend, lover, husband, or wife.
Isn’t it curious that the closer we grow to someone, the more afraid we get to showing them the vulnerable aspects of ourselves? Losing the respect, admiration, or love of someone you cared about can be heartbreaking. Still, how could that happen if that other person is really into you?
5. We all can switch:
Sometimes we acquire new tastes along the ride. That’s the natural result of trial and error, getting to know yourself, and sometimes experimenting due to boredom.
Perhaps when you were in your twenties, you wanted the house, the white picket fence, the 1.93 kids (on average). Now, in your 40’s you’re ready to experience new facets of your sexuality.
Just as we get tired of the taste of chocolate after devouring the third slice of our favorite swiss chocolate cake, so our sex life needs to vary to keep us interested.
One of the constants of adult sexuality is frustration. Opening up to experimenting with new things in couples is often daunting since expressing these “new” interests can be conflicting, especially when the relationship has been built on conventional and traditionalist approaches to the female and male roles.
6. BDSM is all about communication
If you are interested in bringing the whip to the table, talk to your partner about what you like from experimentation and novelty. If you speak from frustration and guilt, that’s a lose-lose negotiation.
There’s a lot of stigma and misconceptions to fight around the BDSM subject. Many people are under the impression that BDSM implies extreme degradation, humiliation, and torture and ends with gender inequality.
Nothing could be further from the truth. The “sadistic” pleasure portrayed in BDSM relationships should take place only under certain circumstances that include a high level of trust, communication, negotiation and respect.
It’s an exchange of fantasies in which the dominant part follows a detailed script written by the submissive. Meaning that, in most cases, it’s the “slave” the one invisibly pulling the threads behind the session, thus closer to fulfill their fantasy.
It’s Ironic, I know.
7. Discipline is paramount:
Both in BDSM and adult relationships as a whole, you need to know when to push the breaks.
Remember when I mentioned BDSM isn’t for everyone? Well, there’s a lot you can experience in your sex life that isn’t remotely connected to bondage, dominance, submission, or masochism.
While BDSM enthusiasts are, let’s face it, sort of control freaks, there’s plenty of jubilation to experience under the sun. And, as a control freak myself, there is still a lot for me to discover in this world of orderly, schematized, and encaged pleasure I like.
Are you coming out to your partner as a looner? Consider their life story and be empathic. Remember, even though we’re addressing your sexual needs and fantasies, that doesn’t mean you can enforce balloons on a person who is mortally phobic of clowns or with PTSD triggered by explosions or loud noises.
8. Start small, start from the top:
Bring tiny water balloons into your bedroom and start playing with them “innocently.” Then, move slowly but surely; don’t make the mistake of abruptly bringing up that you’ve been watching and recording Loon pornographic content for years without your spouse knowing about it.
That way, you’ll hardly strengthen the trust between you and your hubby. Instead, encourage your partner to try new things by letting them see there’s nothing new about it. Novelty scares us. Slow progress can be imperceptible, harmless, and more lasting.
Introducing a fetish to your sex life can be as simple as blindfolding your partner and alternating between dominant and submissive to explore which role each of you likes the most.
You don’t have to start by modifying the garage and turning it into a dungeon. On the contrary, start with something small, like wearing a suggestive lingerie set. One that makes you both feel eroticized and challenged to go further.
9. And what about anxiety and self-image issues?
Sexual and romantic sensory deprivation can help with anxiety, regulate your breathing and help you focus exclusively on the pleasure you are experiencing.
If you’re an overthinker, I highly recommend that you start experimenting with using blindfolds. They will force you into the “here-and-now mindset” so necessary to reach the highest peak of your pleasure.
If you’re too controlling, try a mouth gag, one that can stop you from trying to monopolize the “session.”
Communication leads to community, that is, to understanding, intimacy, and mutual valuing.
— Rollo May
10. Open your mouth, open your mind:
Mastering your communication skills to help you enjoy a more open sex life is a huge part of enjoying intimacy. But, as I’ve been stressing in previous articles, it requires that you and your partner be honest, open… and dirty.
Is there anything more daunting than coming out to your sex partner to ask them to pee on you?
I bet it’s hard.
Actually, I’ve been there myself, too afraid to accept the things that I like and too scared to reject the things I don’t like. But, now that I have this small list of likes and dislikes under my belt, I can take a pen and make it longer, one moan at a time.
Wouldn’t you like a larger one too?