6 Fascinating Sex Studies That Will Make You Wish You Were a Sex Researcher

Study #1: Cheap pants kill men's sex drive.

If you have ever invited a "foxy mama" back to your "crib" to get "jiggy with it," I got some bad news for you — the 70s destroyed your sperm. Ok, maybe destroyed is a tad hyperbolic but definitely electrostatically zapped. And this sperm killer wasn't too many bad Bee Gees love ballads.

This culprit was polyester pants.

This study investigated the effects of polyester on sexual activity. Like most studies, researchers first used rats as their test subjects. Or, more specifically, rats dressed in some freakin' adorable polyester pants.

The researchers found that rats wearing polyester pants had less desire to have sex than those wearing breathable cotton pants. (Researchers failed to determine if it was a rodent confidence issue.)

Let's pause now to ask an obvious question.

How the heck do sexually frustrated rats unzip their pants without opposable thumbs? Answer: the pants were modified with a hole for the penis. (I did the research, so you wouldn't have to. You're welcome.)

Of course, researchers next needed to test their "polyester sperm killer" hypothesis on men. So they had a small group of male test subjects wear a polyester sling over their scrotum for twelve months.

During the twelve months, not a single man could impregnate his partner. Even more alarming, the men wearing polyester became azoospermic — they no longer produced sperm. Fortunately, the effects were reversed when the men stopped wearing polyester.

So let me get this straight…Women have suffered horrible side effects from birth control for decades, and men only had to wear polyester pants? Oh, cruel, cruel patriarchal world.

Study #2: Women who have a lot of sex have more developed brains.

If you are a woman with a brain, you should rip those polyester pants off your partner because the latest sex research shows sexually active women have a cognitive edge.

In this small study, each female participant’s clitoris was stimulated with a small vibrating device. The stimulation was done eight times for ten seconds with ten seconds of rest between intervals. (Not sure if the rest breaks were for the researchers or the women.)

During arousal, the women's brain activity was measured using fMRI scans. The researchers found the somatosensory cortex region of the brain was activated during arousal. The somatosensory cortex is the brain region responsible for receiving and processing sensory information — touch, temperature, and pain.

They then surveyed the women to gauge their yearly sexual activity. They found that women who reported having the most sex also had the thickest, most developed somatosensory cortex.

The researchers were then faced with the classic chicken vs. egg conundrum. Do women with a more developed somatosensory cortex desire more sex, or does having more sex strengthen the somatosensory cortex region?

Most researchers believe it is the latter. Neuroscientists have already discovered brain plasticity in the hippocampus — the brain area that controls learning and memory. For example, cab drivers develop a larger hippocampus due to constantly navigating city streets.

This study might seem fatuous, but the researchers also found women who have experienced sexual trauma have a thinner somatosensory cortex region. Hopefully, researchers can someday use this knowledge to heal the brain region of sexual victims.

Study #3: Swallowing semen reduces morning sickness in pregnant women.

Yes, men are always trying to convince women of the health benefits of swallowing. First, there is the protein argument. According to sex researchers/nutritional experts, semen contains 5000 milligrams of protein per 100 milliliters.

Let's break down the math. Most men's ejaculate contains about 1/4 to 1 teaspoon or 5 milliliters of semen. So 100 milliliters equals twenty teaspoons or one big bowl of jizz. Hmmm….There might be easier ways to get your daily protein requirements. (For comparison, a cheeseburger has 15 grams or 15,000 milligrams of protein.)

And sorry, vaginal fluids don't contain nearly as much protein. (Again, I researched so you wouldn't have to. You’re welcome.)

Semen also contains vitamin C, B12, zinc, and magnesium. So there's that.

Still not convinced of the nutritional benefits of swallowing? Well, perhaps you might change your mind if you become pregnant.

In one study, researchers found that women inseminated with higher amounts of their partner’s semen had reduced occurrences of morning sicknesses.

The researchers are not entirely sure why semen helped alleviate nausea in pregnant women. One theory is that morning sickness is an immune reaction to the father's DNA in the developing fetus. His semen also contains similar DNA, so when a woman is exposed to it before she gets pregnant (through oral or penetrative sex), the less likely her body will launch an immune response.

The lesson — always taste the baby batter before you put the bun in the oven. (That was my last bad pun…maybe.)

Study #4: Swallowing semen may prevent aging.

I know what you are thinking…how many times does this crazy lady google "benefits of swallowing semen." Clearly, too many times.

Well, sorry ladies…men may (sort of) have another arrow in their swallow argument quiver. Semen contains spermidine — a naturally occurring polyamine that slows the aging process.

One study examined the anti-aging effects of spermidine and found mice that consumed spermidine had a less cardiovascular and neurodegenerative decline. Neurodegeneration is a loss of function of neurons that leads to dementia, Alzheimer's, and Parkinson's patients. So basically, spermidine maintains your heart and brain health.

In this study, spermidine was added to the mice's drinking water, but a newer study found the same anti-aging benefits in humans.

Now, I would be remiss I didn't point out that you can also get spermidine in green pepper, wheat germ, cauliflower, broccoli, mushrooms, and cheese. So you have options.

My Grandma Ella used to say, "You have to eat a peck of dirt before you die." Or I guess you could swallow semen and hope for death to come later.

Study #5: Science finally solves the mystery of why men send dick pics.

Many feminist writers have spilled ink on why men send pictures of their junk. Their diatribes usually involve similar rants — male aggression, stupidity, immaturity, narcissism, etc. Although I have never got a dick pic (not an invitation), I assumed these were the reasons too.

Well, it turns out I and many other women were wrong. We misunderstand men probably because we never bother to ask the right questions.

So researchers did ask these tough questions.

In this study, researchers surveyed 1,087 men on why they sent their penis poetry. Oddly, the number one reason cited for sending sexually explicit images was that they hoped to get a sexually explicit image in return. In other words, dick pics were just flirting.

Or really lazy flirting. Unlike roses, chocolate, or compliments, sending a dick pic takes minimal effort and can be used to spam several women at once.

Unfortunately, the study failed to answer a more pertinent question — does a dick pic result in a woman reciprocating? Now, that is the kind of research that solves world problems. Or, at the very least, it might discourage a few misguided souls from hitting send.

Study 6: Sex improves your breathing.

Sigmund Freud obviously liked to put crap up his nose. Eventually, his cocaine fixation led to some whacky ideas connecting the nose to sex. (This is Freud. Everything was related to sex.)

But one theory he developed with his doctor and friend, Wilhelm Fliess, was not so far-fetched. In 1897, Fliess and Freud developed their "reflex nasal neurosis" hypothesis that claimed a connection between the nose and the genitals. Fliess believed reflex nasal neurosis contributed to dysmenorrhea (painful menstruation) and many libido-related problems. But since both Freud and Fliess were great at big ideas but not so great at testing them, neither really followed through.

Over a century later, researchers found that chronic rhinosinusitis (sinusitis) was linked to erectile dysfunction. That's one point for cocaine-induced sex theories.

So sex researchers finally decided to test Fliess and Freud's theories. In a small study, heterosexual couples had sex, and then researchers evaluated their breathing. Both the man and woman had to orgasm to include their data. (Now, that is the kind of pressure that makes participating in a research study enjoyable.)

The results were surprising. All participants showed improved nasal breathing after climaxing, equivalent to taking a nasal decongestant. And since nasal decongestants like Sudafed cause erectile dysfunction, sex might be a better option for that stuffy nose.

Whenever I tell potential love interests that I write about sex, one of two reactions happens. Some sexually explicit non sequitur jumps out of their mouth, followed by exceedingly awkward silence. Or they run for the hills, believing I have some wild, intimidating kinks.

Neither reaction is appreciated.

The truth is that writing about sex isn't different from writing about any other science topic. Except sex has one fundamental difference —it touches almost every scientific discipline — psychology, sociology, biology, health, anatomy, neuroscience, etc. Sex is universal.

Sex also connects us to our humanity. And understanding sexuality helps us forge those connections.

So next time you meet a sex columnist on the plane or at a party, go ahead and ask them about that sex dream you had. Don't blush. You are probably pretty normal. As normal as they are.

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