Stoic Letter 34
Have you noticed how easy it is to talk and how hard it is to write? Somehow, we put more effort into being precise when we write. We try to be as clear as possible. But when we speak, we tend to go on and on without saying much. Sometimes during conversations with others, I catch myself starting a sentence without awareness of what I actually want to say. That’s simply talking for the sake of talking. Even when we talk without awareness, we tend to say things that make no sense or are not precise.
For example, many of us make judgmental observations. Epictetus explained this point well: “If someone bathes quickly, don’t say he doesn’t bathe properly, say he bathes quickly. If someone drinks a lot, don’t say he is a drunk, say he drinks a lot. Unless you know their reasons for their actions how can you be sure of your negative judgment of them? Not judging others too quickly will save you from misperceiving their actions.”
This happens all the time these days, especially on the internet. Someone doesn’t like X, therefore the person is a Y. The Y is always a label that people use. Someone is a hater, denier, sheep, extremist, gullible, and so forth. Every time people make these types of observations, it means they are making bad observations. But that doesn’t mean people are bad or imprecise thinkers. We can only say they are making imprecise observations.
One of the foundational ideas in Stoicism is that we don’t know what people think, hence, we should avoid making assumptions about why people do certain things. And yet, this is the favorite pastime of many people. We love to speculate about why people do or say things. That means we rely on assumptions and made-up stories — not on facts. If there’s something less precise than that, I’d love to know.
To live like a Stoic, practice precision in your words. You can start practicing with writing. When you write, you have more time to think about what you say. When you write a sentence, you can take a few seconds to think about it, hit backspace, and start fresh. You can’t do that in conversations. One harsh fact about people is that when you say something to them, it’s hard to forget. When you’re in a heated argument and you call someone names, they feel hurt. You can’t hit backspace on that. We often say, “I didn’t mean it that way!” Being precise in your words goes beyond avoiding assumptions. It also means you say what you mean. And that you use your words to communicate properly.
Before I started studying and applying Stoicism, I have to admit I didn’t pay attention to being precise in the way I communicated. I would just blurt out the first thing that I popped up in my mind. Most of the time that doesn’t lead to issues. But when you have important conversations, it can cause problems. For example, if you’re having an argument with your spouse, and things get emotional, saying the wrong thing can make everything worse. If you say something like, “Maybe we should split up,” you can’t just take it back a few seconds later.
Or if you’re having a conversation with a business partner and you say, “I don’t know if this will succeed.” You might think you’re being thoughtful, the other person might think you lack self-confidence.
I like to write a lot because it forces me to be clear, which also translates into the preciseness of my words when I talk. Every time you write something important, take the time to edit your writing several times for clarity. When you write and speak with clarity, you automatically become a good communicator.
Think of all the benefits that Stoicism has. It will not only help you to deal with your emotions. It also helps you to improve your relationships with others through effective communication. Without Stoicism, I wouldn’t be writing this letter either. Isn’t that fascinating? And it all started with reading the precise words of Seneca, Epictetus, and Marcus Aurelius. All the best.