After working as a porn journalist since 2017, I learned a lot about desire and what people overlook.
Being in the world of porn gives you a perspective on sex that most others have. I mean, when you're talking to people whose livelihood involves catering to people’s fantasies, you’re bound to have a better understanding of sex, sexuality, and more.
The funny thing about being in the sex industry is that sex becomes…well, it’s more of a science than anything else. You see the sexy and less-than-sexy parts. You also start to appreciate the humans behind the porn.
Today, I’m going to talk about a handful of the lessons I learned about sex, desire, and attraction.
First off, everyone is someone’s fantasy and you can never predict what people find sexy.
In society, we have standards that make a person conventionally attractive. These standards change, but the thing is, most people will say that they find them attractive regardless of whether it’s “heroin chic” or “dummy thicc.”
We tend to assume that people who fit the standards are going to be what everyone is attracted to. To a point, it makes sense. A lot of people date people who are conventionally attractive, not because they’re into them, but because that look is a status symbol.
Behind closed doors, though?
I’ll be honest. You can never tell what a person is really into. Sometimes, it’s shocking. I’ve seen super wealthy, fit men with pin-thin wives go crazy over women who are over 400 pounds. There are also women who are all about the smaller penis size.
No matter what you look like, I guarantee you that you are someone’s fantasy. Just because people might not be ready to admit it doesn’t mean it isn’t true.
The wrong sex move can easily put you in the hospital.
So, being a bondage porn star is a very unique type of job — primarily because you have to learn a skill for years before you can perform it. Bondage riggers, in particular, have it rough.
A single wrong knot, not using a safe word, or using a flogger across a person’s kidneys can seriously injure your partner. Most people don’t realize how dangerous BDSM that’s not properly done can be.
Among sex workers, 50 Shade of Grey is the book that everyone hates. It’s basically abuse and danger wrapped up in a tidy bow. If you want to get into BDSM like a real porn star, take a class or stick to lockable buckles and cuffs.
What looks good on camera and feels good in real life are two different things.
A lot of people tend to assume that sex should look like what they see in porn. This could not be further from the truth. Porn is about the fantasy and giving you a good view of people’s groins. Real sex is about pleasure.
Porn sex is not always good sex, though many porn stars will have scenes they deeply enjoy. Those positions hurt, and rarely ever hit the spots you would want to hit with your sex partner. You would have to hit the gym regularly for a lot of those positions to be easy.
Real sex is more about the intimacy. Moreover, it takes a lot more effort to make a woman climax in real life than what you see in porn. For some reason, a lot of guys don’t realize this to be the case — even though they should.
While we’re on the subject, I want to talk about the reality of sex acts. Most women don’t like a lot of the sex acts that are displayed in porn. Just because they’re not into anal or rough oral doesn’t mean they’re broken or wrong.
Say it with me: porn is not supposed to be the norm. It’s supposed to be fantasy, not reality. What you see in porn is not always real, but that’s part of the fun of it. Speaking of which…
Coconut oil makes for safe and realistic faux jizz.
A lot of male porn stars will not orgasm during BJ scenes. But, they need that final shot of completion. So, what they do is they give the person performing the BJ a little bit of coconut oil to hold in their mouth. Then, the performer dribbles it out, giving the illusion of an orgasm.
While we’re on this topic, coconut oil is a fairly safe personal lubricant and makes for an amazing massage oil. (You’re welcome!)
An anal scene takes a lot more prep than you think.
When you are dealing with anything going in your poophole, it’s important to remember that shit happens. In real life, poop is probably going to show up on your dick or your toys. It’s kind of impossible to avoid. In porn, that can’t happen.
Girls who do anal scenes have to do multiple rounds of enemas and also eat a very high fiber diet in order to ensure poop doesn’t happen. Of course, anal also requires a lot of preparation in terms of actually fitting the penis inside.
Most people tend to loosen up after their first orgasm. So, try to avoid sticking it in without prep. Even if things do loosen up, it’s important to treat this maturely. Poop happens. Sex isn’t always perfect. Don’t embarrass your partner more!
Sexual arousal is rarely ever just about the video action.
Yes, seeing P in V or P in A is great. Yes, that’s what porn is often mostly about. However, that’s not what really gets people off. The writing that goes into porn and the interactions porn stars have with fans also contribute to that desire in a huge way.
Think about it. Most fantasies have some kind of storyline to them. Context provides a lot of ways to add kinks and surprises to fantasy. I mean, how would viewers know that they’re watching a naughty housewife cheat on her man without the dialogue?
Your brain is your biggest sex organ. If you can tease and please a person’s mind, they’ll come crawling back for more. This is actually what makes the porn world so addictive to so many people.
Anyone can look good while humping away, but can you bring a person to orgasm from what you say? That’s the real test of a good performer. Think about it. A lot of the kinks that content creators and porn performers cater to are totally cerebral in nature.
For example, findom (financial domination) is all about the control and humiliation of being at the mercy of a person. The money is representative of your worth. Meanwhile, cuckqueaning is more about humiliation and voyeurism. See what I mean?
Finally, nothing is more important than remembering the person behind the work.
Among porn patrons, there is a tendency to treat sex workers like X-rated vending machines. When a performer doesn’t want to perform a certain act, some fans actually lash out in anger and act like the performer is “broken.” It’s actually quite disturbing to watch.
To a point, it’s almost understandable since porn is about the viewer rather than the performer. Key word: almost. However, porn stars are people. They have the right to say no to a sex act they don’t want to do. Moreover, they don’t like being treated like sex toys — even if it’s their job.
For me, this trend is particularly alarming. This tendency has started to bleed into mainstream dating. Most people who have experienced this find it to be disheartening, disturbing, and at times, downright alienating.
People, it’s not attractive to have someone talk to you like a worn-out sex bot. In fact, it’s one of the fastest ways to get a girl to block you and immediately walk the other way. Most women find this to be a sign of a selfish lover, if not someone who’s outright sexually abusive.
At the end of the day, porn is not just about chasing a fantasy. It’s about a side of human nature that we often repress or ignore. If you get to see the people behind the porn, then you’ll be able to have a richer experience both inside and outside of your bedroom.