I can only describe it as an extreme orgasmic contraction.
How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
Twice in my life, once when I was 20 and once in my 50s, I have slept with women who have what I can only describe as an extreme orgasmic contraction of their vagina during orgasm. I’ve never heard of anything remotely like what I am about to describe.
With each woman, I had my first clue that I was encountering something out of the ordinary when I fingered her. As I lightly teased her labia and barely brushed her clitoris, she stiffened, exhaled sharply as she made an O-face, and squirted a small amount of liquid. At the same time, as she squirted, I felt some sort of internal impact through the palm of my hand.
Both times I had no idea what I had just felt, but my partner definitely enjoyed what I was doing, and I didn’t want to interrupt the flow of things. I escalated things, as one does, inserting a couple of fingers and it happened again, all of the things described above. Plus, my fingers had been forcibly ejected from her vagina, squeezed out. That happened a couple of more times before I managed to find the correct angle to keep my fingers in through her incredible orgasmic contraction. Starting at the deepest part of her vagina, the “ceiling” rolls down onto the “floor” and moves forward, evicting whatever’s not wedged in there right out. Whatever organ or structure moved during the contraction then slammed strongly into what I think could have been her pubic bone.
The women both explained that what felt like their cervix slammed down and forward into something that was approximately their pubic bone during their extremely powerful orgasms. Neither knew of anyone else with a similar kind of orgasm.
Has anyone heard of orgasms like this? What’s going on in there? Is there any way I can help replicate this?
—Twice in a Lifetime
Dear Twice,
I’ve heard of orgasms like this, I’ve had orgasms generally like this, and I’m here to tell you that some people will forgo the orgasm entirely to avoid the downsides of orgasms this strong. I’ve heard from two people in the past few months who want to know how they can stop squirting. These kinds of strong contractions can leave a feeling similar to a post-workout tenderness.
Not everyone orgasms in the same ways and the ways we’re likely to orgasm may vary at different points in our lives. What was blazing hot five years ago may be blasé now, and what worked last week might not work today—but possibly will again tomorrow. Be wary of embarking on a quest that has high odds of being impossible.
Meanwhile, there’s a line between optimization and treating someone like a video game. Optimization—figuring out what feels good, experimenting with iterations on the theme, and making note of what is particularly sublime—is great. Trying to unlock the secret water fountain by hammering someone’s Gspot at warp speed with two fingertips is not. Be wary of getting so focused on a goal that you forget the journey.
I know one of the points of late 20th century sex positivity was prioritizing female orgasm. Much like “use barriers,” and “only yes means yes,” “help her orgasm first” is a useful slogan but leaves much nuance to be desired. When we tease out the meaning behind that guideline, we’re encouraging people to prioritize the enjoyment and satisfaction of their partner, whatever that means, along with their own. If that means orgasms, so be it. If it’s a neck massage after they’ve given you oral sex, that’s valid, too.
I do think it’s worth broaching this subject to lovers at appropriate times. One, or more, might be interested in seeing if they can also experience this kind of orgasm. Good luck.
Get the How to Do It Newsletter
Sex advice from Rich and Stoya, plus exclusive letter follow-ups, delivered weekly.
Dear How to Do It,
I am a 32-year-old bisexual woman. I’m not in any exclusive relationships at this time, but I have a fuck buddy, “Theo,” a 35-year-old man. We live in the same apartment complex, but in different flats, so it’s literally on the level of knocking on his door to see if he wants to knock boots. I can say without reservation that among the guys, he’s the best sex I’ve ever had.
Last Saturday, I knocked on his door, he answered it, and I asked if he was up for some fun. He looked a bit apologetic and said that he was involved in an online CCG (collectible card game) tournament and that, quite honestly, he’d rather do that than have sex. He said maybe I could come back tomorrow. I didn’t have to, he knocked on my door that Sunday evening and wanted to talk (and probably have sex, but it didn’t get that far). I’ve since learned that I’m not the mind-blowing experience for him that he is for me. It’s all right, nothing more as far as he’s concerned, and yeah, he enjoys this game more than sex. He even offered to teach me to play.
The whole episode has left me really down. It’s positively humiliating to have someone, even if it’s not in a serious relationship, say they’d rather be playing cards with a stranger online than have sex with you, and I don’t know how to get out of this funk.
—Thrown Over By a Card Game
Dear Thrown Over,
Presuming that your retelling of the events is accurate, what Theo said is that he enjoys this game more than sex. As in, more than sex as an activity, not sex specifically with you. So, I think we can walk back your closing line a little bit. Some people really love their platonic hobbies. Not everyone is super into sex no matter how good the chemistry and hot the connection. Part of this, though not all of it, seems to have nothing to do with you.
That does leave the fact that, for Theo, your sexual interactions are adequate but not mind-blowing. You might inquire—if you can do so gently and from a stance of curiosity—whether sex is ever mind-blowing for him. From there, you might see if there’s a conversation to be had about ways to make the sex the two of you have more intense or pleasurable for him.
As for your very valid feelings, let them happen. Rejection, disappointment, and harsh realities are a part of dating and hooking up. You might go for walks, spend time with friends, take a bath, or write your emotions and reactions out. Whatever helps you feel good when you’re down. You’ve got this.
Help us keep giving the advice you crave every week. Sign up for Slate Plus now.
Dear How to Do It,
I’m a single 40-year-old woman and I’ve struggled with sex drive/libido due to depression, anxiety, and associated medication side effects. Recently, I changed medications and was feeling better than I have in a long time. When this happened, I went through a period of extreme horniness. As I have no partner, I’ve been taking care of these needs myself, to which end, I bought a new dildo.
So, there I am fapping away and as I go to pull the dildo out a bit, it feels stuck… like somewhere in the deeper part of my vagina something has constricted tightly around the head of the toy. It was not painful, but it did startle me that it wasn’t coming out, which obviously took me out of the moment. It took a minute or two to find a good position and relax enough to get it out.
Do you know what’s going on here? Any tips for the future? If I were with a partner having PIV sex would this be the holy grail, mood buster, or just kind of whatever? Any reason at all to be concerned?
—Voracious Vag
Dear Voracious Vag,
I spoke with Dr. Sonia Bahlani-Khanna to get to the bottom of this, who, after reminding us all that her insight isn’t a diagnosis, told me that your experience sounded like “a neuromuscular response, and some sort of spasming that’s occurring.” She then questioned what the cause of your response is, since pain isn’t the culprit.
Dr. Bahlani-Khanna indicated that pressure points might be at play. Your pelvic area has pressure points, like other parts of your body, and stimulation of one might be the cause of your canal contraction.
She suggests using dilators and pelvic wands to feel around for where the spasm might be occurring. She also recommends activating the vagal response (rest and digest mode, which releases muscles) and particularly suggests wiggling your toes to do so. Pelvic floor therapy and a visit to a pelvic floor specialist are your next steps. While seeing a doctor is at your discretion, if you’re experiencing pain afterwards, recurrence, or any change in the sensations you’re feeling, I’d strongly consider it
Whether this happening during penis in vagina penetration would be the holy grail or not depends on how much the penis bearing person enjoys being squeezed, and how hard they like that squeezing to be.
Did you write this or another letter we answered? Tell us what happened at howtodoit@slate.com.
Dear How to Do It,
My wife and I (also female) have been together for seven years total, married for three, and friends for a few years before that. We have an excellent sex life that I’m very happy with. We have each always felt comfortable telling each other about new things we’d like to try and regularly add in new activities, etc. When we first got together, she expressed having some issues with jealousy and really didn’t want to know anything about any of my previous partners/experiences (especially men), even sometimes seeming upset with the idea that I had even had previous partners. We talked through it quite a bit and it hasn’t been an issue since maybe our first year together.
She told me recently she’s been getting very turned on thinking about me with other people and asked me to tell her about some of my previous experiences and partners while we were having sex. I was hesitant based on the previous jealousy issues and also expressed, very honestly, that I really don’t remember specifics of previous partners as this is definitely the best sex of my life and there’s no reason to remember the previous stuff. She told me to just make up the details then, but she wanted to hear about it and believe it had happened.
I went along with that, basically just making up a story that would also appeal to me. We’ve done this a few more times since, and she has specifically asked to hear about me with men. She treats me no differently outside of bed and doesn’t show any signs of jealousy/anger, so it seems she really just found something new to try. Thoughts on this new turn-on and if a follow-up conversation should happen when we’re not naked or if it should just be taken at face value and embraced as long as it works for us?
—Sexy Storyteller
Dear Sexy Storyteller,
First, thank you so much for telling me details about your gorgeous, healthy relationship. It’s really lovely to hear about the delightful parts.
Sometimes we’re able to use sexuality—that adult play space—to walk up to things we find scary or overwhelming and confront them. I don’t know if that’s necessarily what happened with your wife, but somehow this thing she struggled with in the early stages of your relationship has become something she gets off on. I think that’s beautiful. It seems to be working for both of you. Congratulations!
I still think you should talk about it. This conversation doesn’t need to be “Please square your early jealousy with your eroticization of this in the present.” It can be “Where did this new aspect of our sex come from, and what works about it for you so we can optimize that.” It can be some sharing of your own reactions and desires. Anything that helps you both understand more about what you’re doing with each other.
Have the conversation the same way you have any conversation about sexuality, and I think you’ll do great.
—Stoya
More Advice From Slate
I’m a woman with a new boyfriend who is very sweet and, frankly, very hot. We have sex constantly, and when we aren’t, I’m thinking about it. But we recently started staying over at each other’s places every weekend, and a problem is emerging. When we are both asleep, he will try to initiate sex with me.