When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don't find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.
Report
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you're "being a respectful friend."
Do it at home and you're "destroying evidence."
Report
I'd like to have kids one day.
I don't think I could stand them any longer than that, though.
Report
Do you know the phrase “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure”?
Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out that you were adopted.
Report
Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face.
My parents are the worst.
Report
"Just say NO to drugs!"
Well, If I'm talking to my drugs, I probably already said yes.
Report
The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him with my gun.
The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.
Report
I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor guy.
Report
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
Report
My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I'm not too worried, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87
Report
I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins.
I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.
Report
To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They picked tacos.
Then I made pizza because they don’t live in a swing state.
Report
Wife: "I’m pregnant."
Husband: "Hi pregnant, I’m dad."
Wife: "No, you’re not."
Report
“I’m sorry” and “I apologize” mean the same thing.
Except at a funeral.
Report
When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.
Report
My son, who's into astronomy, asked me how stars die.
"Usually an overdose, son", I told him.
Report
Son: “Dad, did you get the results of the DNA test back?”
Dad: “Call me George.”
Report
Why are cigarettes good for the environment?
They kill people.
Report
Dentist: “This will hurt a little.”
Patient: “OK.”
Dentist: “I’m having an affair with your wife.”
Report
Why is there air conditioning in hospitals?
To keep the vegetables cool and fresh.
Report
Wife: “I want another baby.”
Husband: “That’s a relief, I also really don’t like this one.”
Report
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
Report
"I have good and bad news," the doctor said to his patient.
"Give me the good news first," the patient said.
"Your test results are back," the doctor said, "and you have only two days to live."
"That's the good news?", the patient exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"
"I've been trying to reach you for two days."
Report
It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
It's true. I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.
Report
What do my dad and Nemo have in common?
They both can't be found.
Report
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it leaves and never comes back.
Report
Today, I asked my phone, “Siri, why am I still single?”.
And it activated the front camera.
Report
As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.
Report
You know you’re not liked when you get handed the camera every time they take a group photo.
Report
My favorite novel is "The Hunchback of Notre Dame".
I love a protagonist with a twisted back story.
Report
Never break someone's heart, they only have one.
Break their bones instead, they have 206 of them.
Report
What's yellow and can't swim?
A bus full of children.
Report
Doctor: “You’ll be at peace soon.”
Man: “Am I dying?”
Doctor: “No, your wife is.”
Report
If you donate one kidney, everybody loves you, and you're a total hero.
But donate five and suddenly everyone is yelling. Sheesh!
Report
I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work.
Report
"What's your name, son?" The principal asked his student.
The kid replied, "D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir."
"Do you have a stutter?" the principal asked.
The student answered, "No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk."
Report
Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a few hours.
Set a man on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
Report
"I work with animals," the guy says to his date.
"That's so sweet," she replies. "I love a man who cares about animals. Where do you work?"
"I'm a butcher," he says.
Report
Dark humor is like food.
Not everyone gets it.
Report
My wife left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working."
I'm not sure what she's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine!
Report
What's red and bad for your teeth?
A brick.
Report
A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes.
He put his arm around the mom and said, "That's arson."
Report
A guy walks with a young boy into the woods. The boy turns to him and says, "Hey mister, it's getting really dark and I'm scared."
The man replies, "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone."
Report
I was in Russia listening to a stand-up comedian making fun of Putin.
The jokes weren't that good, but I liked the execution.
Report
A son tells his father, "I have an imaginary girlfriend."
The father sighs and says, "You know, you could do better."
"Thanks Dad", the son says.
The father shakes his head and goes, "I was talking to your girlfriend."
Report
Where did Joe go after getting lost on a minefield?
Everywhere.
Report
How many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None, they all sit in the dark and cry.
Report
My wife says making love is even better on holiday.
I wish she didn’t tell me via email.
Report
My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back?
Report
A priest asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, “Do you have any last requests?”
“Yes,” replies the murderer. “Can you please hold my hand?”
Report
I was drinking a martini and the waitress screamed, “Does anyone know CPR?!”
I yelled, “I know the entire alphabet!”, and we all laughed and laughed. Well, except one person.
Report
A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree.
"You can't cut me down," the tree complains. "I'm a talking tree!"
The man responds, "You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue."
Report
I have a fish that can breakdance!
Only for 20 seconds though, and only once.
Report
My grandfather says I'm too reliant on technology.
I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.
Report
What's the difference between me and cancer?
My dad didn't beat cancer.
Report
My parents raised me as an only child, which really annoyed my younger brother.
Report
My wife is mad that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and right.
Report
My boss told me to have a good day.
So I went home.
Report
If you think I would joke about Alzheimer’s, forget it.
Report
I wasn't close to my father when he died.
Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.
Report
Why don’t cannibals eat clowns?
Because they taste funny.
Report
My girlfriend's dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. It just made her more upset.
She screamed at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"
Report
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
But 99% of you will never get it.
Report
Two hunters are in the woods when one of them collapses. His hunting buddy immediately calls 911.
"My friend isn't breathing," he shouts into the phone. "What should I do?"
"Relax," the operator tells him. "I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There's silence, and then a gunshot. The guy gets back on the phone and says, "OK, now what?"
Report
Don’t challenge Death to a pillow fight.
Unless you’re prepared for the reaper cushions.
Report
You’re not completely useless.
You can always be used as a bad example.
Report
I threw a boomerang a few years ago. I now live in constant fear.
Report
I'll never forget my Granddad's last words to me just before he died.
"Are you still holding the ladder?"
Report
I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday.
He later told me it was the most violent book he’d ever read.
Report
I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home.
So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.
Report
A man wakes from a coma. His wife changes out of her black clothes and, irritated, remarks, “I really cannot depend on you in anything, can I!”
Report
The guy who stole my diary just died.
My thoughts are with his family.
Report
What’s the difference between a baby and a sweet potato?
About 140 calories.
Report
A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, "I'm sorry, but you only have ten left."
The patient asks him, "Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?"
The doctor calmly looks at him and says, "Nine."
Report
My elderly relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying, "You'll be next!"
They soon stopped though, once I started doing the same to them at funerals.
Report
Did you hear about the guy who got his left side chopped off?
He's all right now!
Report
They laughed at my crayon drawing.
I laughed at their chalk outline.
Report
Son: "Dad, if I told you I was gay, would you still love me?"
Dad: "Don’t be silly son, you were an accident. I never loved you in the first place."
Report
Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus. And I lost my job as a bus driver!
Report
For Sale: Parachute. Used once, never opened, small stain.
Report
Why did Mozart kill all of his chickens?
When he asked them who the best composer was, they all replied, "Bach, Bach, Bach."
Report
I started crying when dad was cutting Onions.
Onions was such a good dog.
Report
They say the surest way to a man’s heart is through the stomach.
But, I find going through the ribcage a lot easier.
Report
Cremation. My final hope for a smokin’ hot body!
Report
The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.
Report
Why did the man miss the funeral?
He wasn’t a mourning person.
Report
I have a stepladder because my real ladder left when I was 5.
Report
What do you call someone who won’t stop raving about how the world is going to end?
A climate scientist.
Report
My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me.
"She obviously has COVID", my wife said.
"Why?", I asked.
My wife replied with a sneer, "Because she has no taste."
Report
Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day.
Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he'll fly for the rest of his life.
Report
My wife of 60 years told me, "Let's go upstairs and make love."
I just sighed and said, "Choose one, I can't do both."
Report
My grief counselor died the other day.
He was so good at his job, I don't even care.
Report
I thought opening a door for a lady was good manners, but she just screamed and flew out of the plane.
Report
I tried to warn my son about playing Russian roulette.
It went in one ear and out the other.
Report
Gen Z should change their name to… Quaranteens.
Report
Why are friends a lot like snow?
If you pee on them, they disappear.
Report
I was shocked when I found out my toaster was not waterproof.
Report
Grandma: "Most people your age are married by now, why aren’t you?"
Me: "Most people your age are dead by now, why aren’t you?"
Report
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
Report
My therapist said time heals all wounds.
So I stabbed her.
Report
Patient: "Oh doctor, I’m just so nervous. This is my first operation."
Doctor: "Don’t worry. Mine too."
Report
An apple a day keeps the doctor away.
Or at least it does if you throw it hard enough.
Report
I got a job at a library, but it only lasted 15 minutes.
Turns out, books about women’s rights shouldn’t go in the Sci-Fi / Fantasy section.
Report
If someone burns to death, do they get a discount at the crematorium?
Report
It's important to have a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words 'antidote' and 'anecdote,' one of my good friends would still be alive.
Report
My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord.
It's a good thing he drives a Civic.
Report
Want to know how you make any salad into a caesar salad?
Stab it twenty-three times.
Report
Sorry, what’s the quickest way to get to the hospital?
Easy, just stand in the middle of a busy road.
Report
What’s the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?
The wheelchair.
Report
What did the woman with no hands get for Christmas?
No idea. She hasn’t opened her present yet.
Report
Since the pandemic started, my husband just stands there sadly looking through the window.
I should probably go let him inside.
Report
My grandfather was the type of person who never threw anything away.
He died in World War II holding on to a hand grenade.
Report
Why can’t Michael Jackson go within 500 meters of a school?
Because he’s dead.
Report
My grandfather lost his tongue during WW2.
He never talks about it.
Report
I’ll never forget my dad’s last words: “Erase my search history, son.”
Report
Patient: "Oh Doctor, I’m starting to forget things."
Doctor: "Since when have you had this condition?"
Patient: "What condition?"
Report
Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face.
For instance, when you push them down the stairs.
Report
What do you call a dog with no legs?
Doesn’t matter what you call him, he won’t come anyway.
Report
Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating?
Because they have no body to go with.
Report
Why was the leper hockey game canceled?
There was a face off in the corner.
Report
I don't have a carbon footprint. I just drive everywhere.
Report
What's the last thing to go through a fly's head as it hits the windshield of a car going 70 mph?
Its butt.
Report
What's the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire?
One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer.
Report
What did the Titanic say as it sank?
"I’m nominating all passengers for the Ice Bucket Challenge!"
Report
The cemetery is so crowded.
People are just dying to get in.
Report
I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day.
It was impossible to put down.
Report
"Where exactly are you taking me, doctor?", the patient asked.
"To the morgue," the doctor replied.
"What?", the patient panicked. "But I'm not dead yet!"
"And we're not there yet," the doctor said.
Report
What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm?
Biting into an apple and finding half a worm.
Report
What do you call an inexpensive circumcision?
A rip-off.
Report
Welcome to Plastic Surgery Anonymous. Nice to see so many new faces.
Report
When ordering food at a restaurant, I asked the waiter how they prepare their chicken.
"Nothing special," he explained. "We just tell them they're going to die."
Report
What’s the special dish in a restaurant for cannibals?
Heads, shoulders, knees, and toes.
Report
My girlfriend wanted a marriage just like a fairy tale. Fair enough.
I gave her a loaf of bread and left her in the forest.
Report
What do you call it when every one of your friends makes too many dumb Covid jokes?
A pundemic.
Report
What did Kermit the Frog say at his puppeteer’s funeral?
Not a word.
Report
What do you get when you cross a rabbit and a pit bull?
Just the pit bull.
Report
What animal has five legs?
A pitbull returning from a playground.
Report
Happy 60th birthday. At last, you can live undisturbed by life insurance agents!
Report
“Madam, your son just called me ugly!”
“I’m so sorry, I must have told him like a thousand times it’s wrong to judge people on their looks…”
Report
I just got my doctor's test results and I'm really upset. Turns out, I'm not gonna be a doctor.
Report
Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket?
"Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket."
Report
Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you.
That's the punch line.
Report
The most corrupt CEOs are the ones who run pretzel companies. They’re always so twisted.
Report
They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it's poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important.
Report
What's the difference between jelly and jam?
You can't jelly a clown into the tiny car.
Report
Did you hear about Pillsbury Doughboy?
He died of a yeast infection.
Report
The doctor gave me some cream for my skin rash. He said I was a sight for psoriasis.
Report
I heard Sony's coming out with a new console during the pandemic.
It's called the "Plaguestation 5".
Report
What’s the difference between a hipster and a football player?
A football player showers.
Report
I’ve stopped making jokes about Covid to my brother.
They flu over his head.
Report