This is a story about simple habits to improve your happiness and fulfillment. It's inspired by key findings of a huge Harvard University study of happiness, one that's now gone on for more than 80 years.
Maybe you've heard about this research: It's the Harvard Study of Adult Development, which has followed more than 700 men -- and now, in some cases, their families -- from the late 1930s until today.
The study's current leaders have a new book out: The Good Life: Lessons from the World's Longest Scientific Study of Happiness. I don't mind admitting that I devoured this book, start to finish.
Who doesn't want to live a better life? Who doesn't want to be happier? And co-authors Robert Waldinger and Marc Schulz give you the bottom line right up front:
"For 84 years (and counting), the Harvard Study has tracked the same individuals, asking thousands of questions and taking hundreds of measurements to find out what really keeps people healthy and happy...
[O]ne crucial factor stands out... [I]t's not career achievement, or exercise, or a healthy diet. Don't get us wrong; these things matter (a lot). But one thing continuously demonstrates its broad and enduring importance:
Good relationships.
[I]f we had to take all 84 years of the Harvard Study and boil it into a single principle for living, one life investment that is supported by similar findings across a wide variety of other studies, it would be this:
Good relationships keep us healthier and happier. Period."
There you go. To their credit, Waldinger and Schulz spend a lot of time examining how to improve relationships, as opposed to simply sharing the results of the study. (Although, there's a lot of that as well, which is fascinating.)
This week, I'll be interviewing the authors. But in advance, here are nine simple habits that can help you improve the quality of your relationships, based on the Harvard Study, other research, and additional sources.
We can't improve things if we don't measure them. So, as unromantic as it might seem, assess which relationships are important to you, which ones have proven less so, and which ones you wish were better.
Heck, make it annual. Waldinger and Schulz write:
"Perhaps every year, on New Year's Day or the morning of your birthday, take a few minutes to draw up your current social universe and consider what you're receiving, what you're giving, and where you would like to be in another year."
Write it all down, too, so you can look back 12 months from now and see how things have improved or not. "A lot can happen in a year."
We'll get into some of the things you can do to improve the truly high-impact, nurturing relationships in you life. But our lives are largely made up of very casual bonds.
Think of all the simple relationships you have with people, even those whose names you don't know.
Off the top of my head, there's the crossing guard I say hello to while taking my daughter to school, the woman at the fantastic Italian deli near my house who always has a kind word, the postal carrier who recognized me when I had a brief TV appearance and always stops to talk, the people I see over and over when I'm walking my dog in the nearby park.
Sometimes these relationships evolve. Other times they remain constant. But, in both cases, they're important.
This is a fantastic habit, and we have brand new research to suppor its value.
A study out of the University of Kansas suggests that the simple act of reaching out to a friend for conversation -- at least once a day, if you can mange it -- increases people's happiness and lowers their stress.
"[T]he more that you listened to your friends, the more that you showed care, the more that you took time to value others' opinions, the better you felt at the end of the day," said Jeffrey Hall, director of the Relationships and Technology Lab at Kansas.
Just one conversation a day. Once you start planning and looking for it, it's hard to miss it.
Here's a study for you: Researchers at Michigan State University combed through data on 2,500 long-term married couples (defined as 20 or more years), to determine their aptitude in five dimensions:
"People invest a lot in finding someone who's compatible, but our research says that may not be the 'end-all, be-all,'" said study lead Bill Chopik, an associate professor of psychology. "Instead, people may want to ask, 'Are they a nice person?' 'Do they have a lot of anxiety?' Those things matter way more."
Be kind to the people you care about. Actually, this is so important that I want to say it again, verbatim: Be kind to the people you care about.
I've written about the Harvard Study before. One of the key things I've learned from it is that to develop better relationships, we need to make time to volunteer.
Waldinger and Schultz point to examples of volunteering in their research, and I'll point to two other studies: one that examined 10,000 adults in the United Kingdom, and another that examine 6,000 American women who had been widowed.
In all cases, the studies showed that men and women who took time to volunteer, even just a few hours a week, met more people, formed relationships with more people, and took pride and satisfaction in the volunteer work they were doing.
Sometimes nurturing relationships means repairing relationships. And repairing relationships often means making apologies and amends. I know this firsthand; maybe you do too.
We all know how to apologize, right? I mean, how complicated can it be?
Oh, my friend, more complicated than you might imagine. There's a whole theory attached to how to apologize and when -- whether to use language that centers your apology on you or gives power to th other person ("I'm sorry" versus "Please forgive me," for example).
All else being equal, however, the more other-centered your apology, the more powerful and effective it can be. It's worth learning ahead of time.
Here's something everyone on planet Earth has in common. We all like to talk about ourselves.
Even the introverts among us, given the right circumstances, have things they'd love to expound on.
If you want to improve a relationship with someone, therefore, ask questions. Give them permission to tell you all the things they're very likely dying to share.
Bonus points: If someone is looking for advice, don't tell them what you think they should do; ask them questions that can help guide them to the right answer.
I don't necessarily mean go around telling everyone you love them. (Although I did that for a while as an experiment, and it was pretty awesome.)
But that doesn't work for everyone. Instead, there are many ways to love, and many ways to express it.
Heck, maybe it really does mean saying those three powerful, vulnerable words: "I love you."
Speaking of which...
Relationships involve risks, especially at the beginning. So, be willing to take them.
As a practical example, if you want to make friends and develop great relationships, use the rule of three overturns -- meaning, be willing to try to start conversations or set up plans and be rejected three times before giving up.
In a sense, it's a game of numbers: The more people you try to make plans with, the more attempts you make, and the more opportunities you'll have to build good relationships.
And the sooner you can inoculate your ego against rejection -- recognizing that in big things and small, it's probably "them, not you" -- the happier you'll likely be.
I realized while writing this that many of these habits involve emotional intelligence -- a subject about which I happen to have written an entire free ebook: 9 Smart Habits of People With Very High Emotional Intelligence.
The book is about learning to leverage your emotions and other people's, so you can achieve your ultimate goals. In this case, the ultimate goal is happiness, and according to the Harvard Study and many others, the way to get there is better relationships.
If working on a few habits helps you get there, I think it's certainly worth the effort.