As we all know, the great enemy in the war on terror is the roaming gangs of whales who maraud up and down Japan’s coastlines, threatening our way of life, writes Paul K. These cetaceous behemoths often loiter in the ocean depths in sleeper pods awaiting the signal to attack. Chaos and destruction invariably follow as suicide pod members beach themselves at random.
The administration has developed strategies for identifying and capturing these terrorist beasts, and detainees undergo comprehensive interrogation from highly skilled intelligence operatives.
Identifying the offensive species is a fundamental priority. To this end, sketch artists have prepared the following composite drawings to assist various agencies engaged in the tracking and defeat of these waterbound enemy combatants.
Intelligence gathering efforts equip our brave armed services with the knowledge required for covert situational deployment using specifically designed craft.
In accordance with standard operating procedures, mobilization of overwhelming troop numbers allows identified pod members to be separated from their sleeper units and arrested with a minimum of collateral damage.
On the advice of counsel, detainees are then moved to offshore facilities and their classification as enemy combattants enhances the intelligence gathering ability by indefinitely delaying any procedural legal intervention. This is to ensure that these criminals are unable to further disrupt the lives of peaceful, freedom loving people everywhere.
Whaling agents are briefed with extensive background material and are well placed to cut up the salient information received during questioning of the enemies.
Camp commanders are provided with the latest high-tech equipment that they employ in humane interrogation sessions with each inmate.
Of course these recalcitrant extremists are strongly resistant to regular questioning methods and a very few overenthusiastic guards have on occasion, (although with wholly legitimate and freedom promoting aims in mind) unfortunately injured some of the prisoners.
This information is being made public as part of the adminstration’s determined efforts to keep all citizens fully informed and should in no way be viewed as a knee jerk response to the publication of alleged ‘mistreatment’ images by certain irresponsible sections of the media.
Counsel has again provided advice in this regard and from now on, any supposed indirect deleterious consequences to enemy combattants during interrogation who are held without charge in non-jurisdictional offshore facilities shall be referred to as ‘research’. Whilst this may inadvertently afford prison staff protection from prosecution for abuse or maltreatment or assault or even murder of whales, a change in terminology actually reflects the ongoing intelligence accumulation and predominantly scientific nature of the operation.
With the implementation of these tactics, freedom loving people everywhere can demonstrate their opposition to the terrorist behaviour of murderous whales in the most overt way possible: by living a full and happy life.
A large number of anachronistic tactic manuals for identifying and trapping renegade terrorist whales during the Edo period (1603-1867) are available in scroll and book form in readily accessible thumbnail displays at the Kyushu University Museum.