I haven’t told him everything.
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Dear How to Do It,
My husband of 11 years and I recently opened up our marriage. There isn’t anything fundamentally wrong with our sex life, but I have always been very sexual and crave new experiences with new partners. My first sexual encounter outside of him was with a friend. Now it’s complicated and there are feelings. I informed him of the encounter, but I haven’t told him everything and I’m afraid of what it’ll mean if I do and even worse if I don’t. I love my husband and do not want our relationship to suffer because of this. What do I do?
—Rock and a Hard Place
Dear Rock and a Hard Place,
I get the sense that you and your husband didn’t discuss what sorts of people you’d be hooking up with, and whether emotional involvement was likely to be a part of that picture. Relationships outside of the framework of default monogamy require an immense amount of communication. Even if the decision is “don’t ask, don’t tell,” which I’ve tried and remain unable to wrap my mind around, you need to discuss your boundaries and needs before arriving at that policy. If you did have these talks, ask yourself whether you’ve violated the agreements. And whether you’ve gotten near something your husband is going to be upset about regardless. If you haven’t, get ready to start broaching conversations.
There’s a balance, right? Whether we’re talking about the boardroom or boning, there are only so many pre-process meetings you can have before you have to get out there and start the project. Listing and gaming out every possible event you might encounter is an impossible goal. But, you need an idea of what you and your partner are OK with, and what you’re worried you can’t bear.
Meanwhile, of course, the sexual encounter you had with a friend is complicated and involves feelings. Complexity, complication, and emotion aren’t bad, but they’re intense. Think about it. Here’s this person who you care about, have regard for, respect, and enjoy spending time with. Then you have sex, probably an orgasm, and do some cuddling afterward. Your brain starts releasing hormones that are believed to contribute to social bonding with the person you’re in physical contact with. It gets complicated! Feelings happen!
Let your friend know that you’re overwhelmed, and not sure what you need or want to do next. Spend some time sorting through your emotions with your platonic friends, a sympathetic sibling, or your therapist. Make introspection a priority. Do your best to get an idea of the answers to the basic questions your husband is likely to ask—useful concepts will probably include what “in love with” means and whether that phrase is applicable with your friend, why you’re committed to your relationship with your husband, and what you want moving forward. Then ask him when the two of you can talk.
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Dear How to Do It,
I (41M) have always really enjoyed going down on my female partners. When I started seeing my current partner (42F) 15 years ago, she was happy to suck my dick but was not OK with my mouth anywhere near her vagina. A lot of her discomfort came from a sense that guys did not enjoy cunnilingus, but only did it to get blowjobs. Since she enjoys sucking dick, she thought she was releasing me from some burden.
As we spent more time together and talked about what worked about our sex life and where we wanted to potentially explore, I was able to explain that I enjoyed pussy in my mouth just as much as she enjoyed a dick in hers. Over time, we incrementally added me going down on her where she would permit me to go down on her until she wasn’t comfortable anymore.
We’re at the point where she requests me to go down on her and I know what makes her feel best (mostly my tongue on her labia/clitoris and if anything penetrates her, she prefers a dildo to fingers). Now we have a different challenge in that she wants to orgasm from oral and we can’t get her there. She admits that some of those old thoughts can intrude and can stall progress. But the other aspect is I think she needs more friction and I’m just not sure how to pull it off. She can regularly and efficiently come if she is on top. So how do I replicate the effectiveness of her riding me while going down on her, but before she psyches herself out?
—Giving Her What She Wants
Dear Giving Her What She Wants,
Trying to race the psych-out is a losing proposition. It’s like “Don’t think of pink elephants.” Annie Sprinkle’s Explorer’s Guide to Planet Orgasm, and Barbara Carrellas’ Urban Tantra both contain exercises for being present in pleasure. It might be worth picking up a copy of one of these for ideas about how to focus on what is enjoyable in the now.
Being on top has several potential factors. If it’s more about the body position or the feeling of being in the driver’s seat, she might have a great time sitting on your face. This can involve leaning against the headboard or wall for support while being mostly upright, or be more of a situation where she’s on top of you but reclined backward resting on your torso. In the case of the latter, you’ll want a pillow under your head to prop you up. If part of the appeal of on top is the internal stimulation from your penis, you might try gently massaging the front of her very lower abdomen with your fingertips. Sometimes that can stimulate the same parts, albeit from a different direction.
If the rub is the thing, start thinking about how you can do that with your tongue. How hard can you press? What about sucking her clit in between your lips and squeezing—or maybe while flicking the tip of her clit with your tongue. And can you involve fingers? Tease her with oral and then go in for the big build-up and release with the flats of your fingers, applying pressure similar to what she applies to herself when she’s on top during penetration? If nothing I listed works, keep experimenting. Keep thinking about what feels great about her riding you and looking for stimulation that might feel similar.
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Dear How to Do It,
I’m a mid-20s woman who recently started dating a woman for the first time. I also have pretty acne-prone skin. It’s going great (the dating, not the acne), but I’ve noticed that the day after I go down on her, I tend to get some whiteheads around my mouth and chin. They’re not as obnoxious as the other kinds of pimples I get, but I’d still like to try and problem-solve this if possible. So, is there a discreet way to clean my face after going down on her without killing the mood? Should I bring some makeup wipes or just head to the bathroom after? (I’m looking more for sex-etiquette tips than skincare tips—I’ve pretty much tried it all in terms of acne treatments but if you have any that are relevant to this situation, then by all means let me know!)
—Giving Head, Getting Whiteheads
Dear Giving Head,
Are you wiping your face with your hand after you’re finished? Was that hand washed when you got into the home? Does it have lube on it? Are you wearing a lot of foundation and kind of grinding that, mixed with vaginal lubrication, into your pores? Do you have to clean your face right after you’re done going down on this woman, or can it be a casual evening-hygiene thing at the end of the night? If you already brush your teeth before sleep, add whatever your skincare routine is. If that’s not fast enough, there are a couple of ways you can approach this.
You can absolutely, unobtrusively, head to the bathroom after sex and do whatever you need to take care of your face. You can also broach the subject. If you go that route, make it about your skin and the change in your routine of eating pussy—any pussy!—and your bewilderment as to how to handle the situation. She might have some ideas. Communicating openly—and, to be clear, there’s a risk that she’ll be offended, stop seeing you, and there will be no communication at all whatsoever—means you would have the opportunity to problem-solve together. Your risk, your choice.
Dental dams might be an option the two of you could pursue once you’re on the same page. The sensation of receiving oral sex through a dam is different but often pretty interesting and pleasurable. And in the same way that taking a shower together after sex can be a sensual form of aftercare, or we might bring a warm, damp washcloth for someone to wipe off their groin with, you might find a post-oral routine that feels connected and caring.
Dear How to Do It,
I’m an early-30s cis female with some sex club questions. I’m bisexual, although it has been quite a few years since my last interaction with a woman. Lately, I’ve been looking into stepping outside of my comfort zone and going to a sex club to see what it’s like. I guess most of my questions stem from self-consciousness. As a mid-to-plus-sized woman, will people even be interested? What’s the norm for pubic hair? (I trim, but would people more prefer completely shaved or waxed?) Would people be put off by my lack of recent experience with a woman, or is my enthusiasm for wanting to try enough? How do you even dress? Do you bring clothes to change into? Thankfully, I live in a city that appears to have a handful of clubs, but I’m just not sure how to get started with getting ready to even go!
—Sex Club Newbie
Dear Sex Club Newbie,
In a club full of people, there will almost certainly be some whose taste you suit perfectly, and others who you aren’t for at all. The reverse is true—you’ll be super into some and not into others—and the hope is that you’ll find one or more people where the appreciation is mutual during the night. I haven’t been to a full-blown sex party since 2016, and that wasn’t even in the U.S., so I reached out to Lucie Fielding, LMHCA, resident in counseling and author of Trans Sex: Clinical Approaches to Trans Sexualities and Erotic Embodiments, for some further insight. She started with a reminder that being in the space itself is an experience, and you can wait to engage with people until, as Fielding put it, “You’re feeling excited about it and you notice yourself feeling an embodied ‘fuck yes!’ In the kink community, we have a saying that ‘witnessing is participation.’ Sometimes, just being there, scoping out the scene, and witnessing others experiencing pleasure is beautiful. And can go a long way to calming any jitters the first time you go!”
Bringing a buddy might be helpful, too. “A sex club bestie, if you will?” Fielding said. “They can be a check-in or a landing pad for you during your first visit. Some sex educators and providers offer sex club bestie experiences. And some clubs and parties will even employ ‘docents’ to help folks acclimate to the venue.”
As for what you wear, do check the dress code. For anything that isn’t covered by venue guidelines, such as your pubic grooming choices, or any other aesthetic detail, Fielding advised that you “show up in whatever makes you feel most comfortable and yummiest in your body. Most clubs and parties I’ve gone to have coat/bag checks and some have changing rooms if you wish to bring a change of clothes in your bag.” Fielding also pointed out that narrative media like Eyes Wide Shut and The Bold Type make it seem that sex clubs may only be “welcoming of only young, rail thin, conventionally attractive cis het white bodies,” while emphasizing that this often isn’t the case. “That said, clubs and play parties definitely have particular vibes and clientele,” she said. “Prior to going to a club I always check with friends or do some research to see who typically shows up on given nights. You can tell a lot through social media feeds and who is featured in images. But like in cities with multiple sex-positive venues like NYC it gets around which clubs and which parties are actively inclusive and care about ensuring both accessibility and a diversity of attendees.”
And, to address your last question, Fielding said: “Speaking as both a queer femme and as a sex educator, ‘experience’ isn’t everything it’s cracked up to be. Enthusiasm, desire, and good communication skills are supremely hot and will take you far. Queer sex is, to my mind, about a willingness to break out of tired, cisheteronormative scripts of what sex is supposed to look or feel like, and committing to the joys of approaching each new partner with (ethical) curiosity and a beginner’s mind.” Follow your “yes,” present yourself in ways that are comfortable and authentic to who you are, and you’ll have set yourself up for success.
—Stoya
More Advice From Slate
My wife and I have been married for 40 some years and retirement is near. We have (now adult) children, so sex hasn’t been off the table. But sex has never been a priority for her. She’s not into much of anything beyond, “Stick it in, and don’t take too long.” I will admit: I’ve strayed a bit in the past. I’m not proud of it, but I can’t apologize. It is a fact. I’ve been careful, safe, and never disrespectful of her during my interludes. I haven’t used my few “friends.” We remain on good terms. But I’m not doing that now, and I want to focus on my wife.