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What You Need to Know If Your Wife Has Opted Out of Sex

Yael Wolfe 9-11 minutes 3/6/2023

If you’re operating on the usual assumption, nothing’s going to change…

Image by Tarran Goodwin via Scopio

“I haven’t had sex with my wife in years. She lost interest a long time ago. It’s miserable for me. But I guess that’s the way of it. Men and women are made totally differently. There’s no fighting biology.”

I can’t count how many times I’ve received comments or even emails (yeah, please stop sending those) like this.

Dead bedroom marriages seem to be a lot more common than I ever realized.

But I have to say, the amount of men who have concluded that their wives stopped wanting to have sex just because they are women, and all women either don’t like sex at all, or don’t like sex eventually, staggers me. Biology? Guys, have you actually researched this? Have you looked at studies about female sexuality? (They’re not the most accurate data in the world, but it’s a good place to start.)

And perhaps more to the point: if you’re leaving a comment or emailing me with a message like that, clearly you must be new here. Because if you’ve read my work before then you will already know that your statement is without merit.

If you fall into that camp, here’s a piece of information that will be the best surprise you’ll have all week: Women are not biologically made to hate sex, or to age out of it! Oh how I’d love to get into why it’s problematic that so many people, men especially, believe this in the first place, but I promised you all some answers, so I’ll get on my anti-patriarchal propaganda soapbox another day. Today, let’s stay focused on the issue at hand.

You haven’t had sex in years. It’s time to investigate what’s really going on here. Which means inviting your partner into conversation.

But before you do, make sure you have done some investigating on your own. Come to the table well-informed. Here are some things to consider.

What’s Really Going on When a Woman Doesn’t Want Sex?

Sexual Shame

Do not underestimate the power of shame when it comes to a woman’s experience of her sexuality. I cannot imagine a single woman who grew up in a patriarchal society who wouldn’t feel some level of sexual shame — and it can take a lifetime to unlearn that.

Before you skip to the next section, vehemently believing that this is not the problem because she used to have sex with you, and dammit, you have three kids to prove that, consider this: Many women have been taught that being a good wife and mother is the most important thing we can do with our lives. These roles are the primary way our culture assigns value to women.

It’s not unusual for a woman to dutifully perform her wifely duties and bear her husband’s children, dissociating from her shame as much as she can, only to find herself unwilling to experience those complicated feelings once she feels she has fulfilled her “reproductive purpose.”

For many women, the menopausal years can be a much-welcomed opt-out of having to deal with the ways our culture oppresses and shames female sexuality.

Sexual Liberation

Along the same lines, though for a very different (but sometimes overlapping) purpose, some women opt out of sex in their later years (or earlier) as an act of sexual liberation. While this might sound counter-intuitive, you have to look at this from a woman’s point of view.

Women’s sexuality is always (and I mean always) being controlled, co-opted, diminished, perverted, demonized, disempowered, and exploited — even sometimes in her own intimate relationships. If you and your partner have been together for a very long time, you might have no idea how much she has oppressed, repressed, and suppressed during her relationship with you. You might not have any idea how much your beliefs and behaviors sometimes contributed to this, either.

In some cases, women opting out of heterosexual intercourse is a relief. A decision to protect her body, her heart, and her mental health. As I’ve said before, sometimes, not having sex is exactly what female sexual liberation looks like.

Relationship Issues

I know most of you might not like this one, but have you deeply explored the possibility that she might not want to have sex because she doesn’t feel respected, supported, or loved?

I saw a meme once that joked that heterosexual men’s love language is always physical touch (i.e. sex) and they only looked for partners whose love language is acts of service. And someone commented that it’s not funny when it seems to be true.

Obviously, I don’t think anything in life can be boiled down to a meme or sweeping generalizations like that, but it’s worth examining. If you need touch more than anything else in your relationship and expect your female partner to give it to you, do you know what she needs most? And are you giving that to her?

Relationships — especially of the long-term variety — are complicated, nuanced, and layered. There are so many things that can prevent the vulnerability required to be intimate with a partner. As you can see from the previous two possibilities, a woman disinterested in sex never got to that point by herself.

Well, almost never…

Asexuality

Don’t forget that the human sexual spectrum is wide and varied and includes asexuality. I don’t know a lot about this sexual orientation, so I’ll direct you to The Trevor Project for more information, and keep to a simple summary.

Asexual people (or “aces”) of all genders “may have little interest in having sex, even though they desire emotionally intimate relationships.” There are many iterations of asexuality and many inaccurate stereotypes associated with this orientation.

It’s important to realize that your partner might be asexual. And thanks to this pervasive belief that women don’t like sex, she might not even know it.

However, it’s also important not to make any assumptions about your partner’s orientation based on her sexual proclivities. Sexual orientation is a deeply personal journey that each person must explore on their own timeline.

Remember: just because your partner isn’t interested in sex, doesn’t mean she is asexual. In fact, I’d bet it’s far, far more likely that her lack of interest can be attributed to one of the previously mentioned issues.

How to Approach the Conversation

A conversation about this issue is meant to explore what’s going on in your relationship — not to discover, define, or diagnose her problem. This is your problem as a couple.

Don’t approach this as something you need her to fix. Don’t have this conversation until you can come to it with curiosity rather than an agenda.

Remember the scenarios offered here are just the tip of the iceberg. There could be so much more going on, including hormonal changes, mental health challenges, and stress.

Your partner and the sex life you share don’t exist in isolation. This isn’t about her. This is about everything.

What to Do Next

Don’t be discouraged if you don’t get answers from your first conversation. Finding solutions to a sexless relationship is a marathon, not a sprint.

If you long to rebuild your sex life with your partner, throw everything you’ve got at it. Suggest couple’s counseling. Get a therapist. (Yes, you, all by yourself.) Find ways to contribute time, love, effort, and care to the partnership in nonsexual ways. Try dialing up the romance.

And yes, if you’ve put a year or more of genuine effort into it (or however long seems like enough time to you), have another conversation. Talk about ending the partnership if you find yourself sexually unfulfilled and have no reason to believe that things will change in that department.

And why not ask about potentially opening the relationship to sexual explorations with other people? It’s true, not all women will find either option agreeable and might even feel offended by the suggestions — but I think it’s entirely fair that we should all be free to pursue the fulfillment we desire and if it isn’t in our primary relationships…then it’s time to make some changes.

Be Well & Come Often

A few years ago, when I first started writing here, a reader said, “Be well and come often.” I love that phrase so much, I even started using it in my newsletter. I love that this phrase celebrates wellbeing and pleasure but doesn’t seem to imply that one needs to “come often” to “be well.” (Doesn’t hurt, though, does it?)

It is my wish that everyone in a sexless relationship who doesn’t want to be in a sexless relationship is able to find the strength to be well and come as often as they would like. There is no prescriptive remedy for this — every relationship is different.

But if you are a heterosexual man in this situation, consider curiosity — not just about your partner, but about your relationship and about yourself. Consider the specific challenges she faces as a woman. And don’t ever stop challenging your own biases about female sexuality.

It might help your relationship. It might not.

But in the long run, it’ll help you both to make healthy decisions about how to move forward. Because you both deserve to be well and come often.

Or not come at all, if that’s what it means for someone to be well…

© 2023

Yael Wolfe is a writer, artist, and photographer. You can find more of her work at yaelwolfe.com.

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