Think three’s a crowd? Try 20.
Members of a 20-plus-person polyamorous relationship are speaking out about their unconventional lifestyle, saying “the structure of the nuclear family needs to shift.”
The group of lovers, based outside of Boston, consists of couples and individuals which includes “heteroflexible” men, queer women and nonbinary individuals.
“It’s chosen family … just a little kinkier,” Ann, a member of their “polycule,” told the New York Times in a Monday feature.
“Polycule” is a portmanteau of polyamory and molecule and, according to the Times, is used to describe “an intricate structure formed of people with overlapping deep attachments: romantic, sexual, sensual, platonic.”
“It’s an evolving organism that looks entirely different from everyone’s perspective,” Ashley, another member, added.
While the origins of the word are unclear, the publication says it started ticking up in usage around 15 years ago, as stories about non-monogamy entered the mainstream on a more frequent basis.
The polycule based outside of Boston came to fruition in 2020 as several couples and singles converged and began “developing friendships” between them.
“Our polycule is large, 20 or a little more — people in their mid-20s to mid-40s,” a member named Katie divulged. “A lot of people are married and have primary partnerships. They’re coming to it from the opening of a monogamous relationship.”
“Our polycule is female-run,” she added. “It’s the female-identified people who spearhead. We convene, we plan, we call the shots. It’s a bunch of queer women who say we’re not going to follow the rules.”
“Everyone is so deeply in love with each other, whether or not it’s romantic love.”
Various members of the polycule cooed over the unusual arrangement, describing it as “empowering,” “radical” and “freeing.”
In addition to being sexually liberating, they claimed that the polycule provides emotional support, networking opportunities and even financial incentives, as some members share housing.
However, it’s not all fun and games.
Jealousy, time constraints and broken boundaries can complicate what otherwise appears to be a frisky freewheeling faction who are happily throwing convention out the window.
Several members said they were previously in monogamous marriages and relationships and admitted that joining the kinky community wasn’t an easy adjustment.
Male member Robert told the Times that he struggled when his wife, Ann, “started seeing this dude who was an absolute stud.”
“I felt totally lame and inadequate,” he confessed. “I felt like, I’m a hundred percent replaceable … Lots of tears were shed.”
Ultimately, however, Robert revealed that the polycule actually helped strengthen his marriage with Ann, as it made him realize that their relationship was based on more than just sex.
Meanwhile, fitting in various friends and lovers is also no easy feat, especially as some members of the polycule are also parents.
“Scheduling can be very tricky,” a member named Bine admitted.
A lot of organizing is done on a polycule group chat, where members also keep tabs of various boundaries and preferences put in place by others in the group.
“Broken rules can be really damaging,” Katie stated. “Adhering to other people’s boundaries is a big part of being in the polycule. That’s paramount.”
“In the polycule, it ranges from people who really don’t have rules to we’re only going to date people together or we’re going to participate in the group only as friendships, or as sensual friendships, or we’re only going to be sexually intimate at gatherings, and outside of that we’re not going to date anyone individually.”
Ann, who is married to Richard, gave an insight into how she manages her time, saying she juggles a romantic relationship with her husband while having no-strings-attached sex with several other members of the polycule.
“My husband, my nesting partner, is the person I own a home with,” Ann explained. “I also have life-partnership friends, I call them my wives, who are core members in the polycule. One of their husbands is one of my best friends and occasional sexual partner, and I do have sex with my wives, but we’re not romantically involved. But I love them.”
Meanwhile, member Katie claims she can only handle three romantic relationships at a time — an orientation her community calls “poly-saturation,” as in, she’s reached the limit of her ability to love multiple people at once time. “[It’s] different for different people.”
Despite the difficulties, all the members told The Times that the benefits outweigh the burdens,
“We know why monogamy is still the dominant structure. The patriarchy. The lack of rights women had,” Bine declared, saying the polycule offers her an exhilarating feeling of freedom.
“As a woman, and as a queer woman, being able to live my life as authentically as possible without needing my husband’s permission, that’s empowering,” she cheered.
Katie recalled feeling a sense of joy while at a “cuddle” party with other members of the polycule, saying, “There were eight of us fit together like puzzle pieces, snuggling. It felt so cozy, so much oxytocin flowing. We were all envisioning living together, not having to worry about individual mortgages, just having some big house. Can’t we just do that? Why can’t we do that? An adult sleepover camp, that’s the vibe.”
The polycule hope that their openness will help others feel more empowered to experiment with unconventional lifestyle choices, bucking conventional notions of what a romantic relationship should look like.
“I hope this is a social movement,” Katie said. “I hope people will feel more freedom about how they want to live and about pooling resources and living their best life. The structure of the nuclear family, the nuclear marriage, needs to shift.”