TOPANGA, Calif. − We've gathered in a semi-circle to evaluate our marketing materials.
No, it's not a business conference, though most of the 14 attendees, including myself, are young professionals. It's a "dating boot camp" − and the materials in question are our online dating profiles.
At the first-ever, weekend-long Renew Dating Bootcamp by dating coach and "Breakup Bootcamp: The Science of Rewiring Your Heart" author Amy Chan, retreatants hope to learn the subtle art of finding and maintaining a relationship in the modern era. This includes how to "optimize" your dating app profile, flirt without being creepy and overcome patterns keeping you single. I'm there to observe. But, as someone who feels perpetually single, I figured I could also learn a lot.
During the retreat, Chan gives a crash course on all things dating apps − and she has a few rules.
For starters, she says, the first photo must be a clear headshot, the second a clear body shot. All pictures after should show your personality. Also, pick three qualities you want to convey and make sure every aspect of your profile feeds into at least one of them.
The attendees nod throughout the session, jotting down notes.
"I want to teach people the skills of dating. These skills were not taught in school, so we keep floundering around and getting heartbroken," Chan tells me during a break between classes. "What's going on? You are the common denominator, so is there a blind spot within yourself that's causing you to not be able to create a relationship that you want? And that's what this whole weekend is about."
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What goes on at dating boot camp?
The retreat, hosted at a luxurious Spanish-Mediterranean villa called The Mountain Mermaid just outside Los Angeles, costs $2,500 for a shared room and $4,000 for a single room. It involves several hours of courses with various teachers, including a therapeutic movement specialist, a leadership coach, a sex therapist and more. A professional photographer was also on site all weekend to snap portraits of attendees for their dating app profiles.
Some sessions were more straightforward − like Chan's dating app masterclass − and others more eccentric. For one class, a dominatrix gave a three-hour lesson on toxic power dynamics and how they can sabotage relationships. She brought BDSM tools to illustrate her points. There were volunteers and some audience participation. At one point she put a leash on a woman. Later, she asked attendees to reflect on the metaphorical gags in their lives that keep them from expressing themselves.
Between sessions, attendees enjoy freshly cooked meals and swim in the villa's pool. Some are coming out of long-term relationships and looking to date for the first time in years. Others haven't had much success with dating in general.
All came to be challenged − something Chan says the boot camp delivers on.
"The people who come are high-achieving people," she says. "They run businesses. They're successful. They are used to: 'There's a problem. I'm not getting the outcome I want. What can I do?' ... I feel very hopeful for people like this who are like, 'OK. I need to create some self-awareness. Something's happening. There's a pattern that's going on. What is it?' "
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Pierre Erias, a 35-year-old real estate agent, flew into the boot camp from Canada. After taking eight years off from dating to prioritize meditation and spirituality, he now wants to put himself out there, but he's not sure how.
"I would usually approach somebody at a café and just compliment them or say, 'Hey, it'd be really nice if I could join you for coffee and get to know you,' " he says. "Sometimes it would just trigger people or put them into some sort of uncomfort."
Sally Cotching, a 33-year-old from Australia who designs and manufactures sex toys, came to the boot camp to figure out what she wants in a relationship and what's holding her back. She says the high cost is worth it, if it helps her achieve this goal.
"For me, the last relationship I was in hurt me so bad I would pay literally anything to never go through that again, and yet, that's the only pattern I've ever known," she says. "What's the cost of true love? If it's a few thousand dollars, cool. I can afford that."
Throughout the weekend, attendees take stock of their past relationships − what worked, what didn't work − and get clear on their dating deal-breakers.
They also get homework.
For one week, they have to practice holding eye contact with everyone they meet, something key to establishing chemistry, Chan says. Also, their next nine to 12 dates have to be with people they think they don't like, something meant to get them dating people they might otherwise overlook.
Dating is difficult. Can boot camp help?
Dating has always been difficult. Now, thanks to social media and dating apps, it's gotten harder, Chan says.
Faced with seemingly limitless options − and an onslaught of online discourse about supposed red flags − daters are less likely to commit and more likely to put up emotional walls.
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The subtle intricacies of online dating are yet another hurdle.
On the last day of the boot camp, Chan reviewed some of the attendees' dating profiles. Her feedback was brutal, but honest. Out of curiosity, I showed Chan my Hinge profile during the lunch break. She said I was "close," but had room to improve.
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First off, she says my two pictures in sunglasses have to go, as does one where I'm slouching, which makes me look insecure. (Don't worry, Chan adds − the photographer onsite can help with that.) Also, my written prompts are good but could use reordering. Lead with the funny one, Chan says, then get into the longer, sincere one. Two truths and a lie, she says, tends to be a solid opener.
I take in Chan's advice as the photographer snaps my pictures. At his and Chan's urging, I take some in my glasses, which they both agree make me look smart − one of my profile's three targeted selling-points. I get the pictures a few days later and am surprised to see I actually look like I'm hanging out on vacation in some of them and not posing for photos carefully curated to attract strangers.
Will Chan's advice get me more matches? Were those sunglasses really standing between me and true love? I'm not sure, but I'm willing to give it a try.
After all, I'm just trying to figure out this bizarre dating landscape like everybody else.
"People are actually dying to feel connected, and we don't have any idea how to get that connection," Cotching says. That's why she signed up. "You see on social media these ick lists and these red flags, and so you start to just close yourself off to everybody... This (boot camp) allows me to get back to what I really want, which is actually so basic, which is the most human need, which is connection and true love."