Traveling for a Cuddle, or More, at European Sex Parties

Olivia and her husband were on a romantic getaway. The couple had been finding it hard to “do anything spicy at home at all,” she said, what with their two teenage children around and the dirty laundry piling up. Escaping for a weekend in Venice at the end of the city’s annual carnival, in February, seemed like the perfect way to reconnect. But instead of a gondola ride or a canal-side dinner, their itinerary revolved around a masquerade ball and, possibly, sex with strangers.

Their faces hidden behind intricately decorated masks, the couple made their way to a private Venetian palazzo. Around 150 guests sipped champagne and ate oysters while listening to a classical pianist and string quartet, while downstairs a “dungeon master” demonstrated spanking and other basic B.D.S.M. techniques. At 10 p.m., guests were invited to remove their masks — the playrooms (spaces reserved for consensual sexual encounters) were now open.

“I mean, that was the best way to see Venice,” said Olivia, a photographer based in New York and London who agreed to speak on the condition that only her first name was used. Although Olivia has been a longtime member of Killing Kittens, the female-focused sex party club that hosted the ball, this was the first time she and her husband had traveled abroad to attend an event. They didn’t meet another couple they were interested in, but the party still had the intended effect on their sex life. “We just watched and then enjoyed our own fun afterward, with the memories,” Olivia said.

According to the Killing Kittens founder Emma Sayle, approximately 60 to 70 percent of the party guests flew in from abroad, paying 500 pounds (around $630) per couple to explore their turn-ons. (A Killing Kittens membership is free to all female and nonbinary people, though a “verification fee” of 20 pounds, or around $26, is required to complete the sign-up process, book tickets and gain access to community chats. Men can join as guest members, allowing them to attend parties as the plus-one of a full member or book tickets to singles’ events.)

“We’ve always had a very international crowd,” said Ms. Sayle, adding that Killing Kittens members travel to Europe from as far away as the Western United States and Australia to attend parties in French châteaus and English country manors.

After the connection-starved pandemic era, the tourism industry embraced sexual wellness as a component of the wellness trend (now estimated to be worth globally more than $651 billion, according to the Global Wellness Institute), with workshops, couples retreats and doctor-led programs.

Now the international sex party scene is booming. Killing Kittens says ticket sales have risen as much as 500 percent since the pandemic, and the London-based company recently introduced a KK Cruise, a sex-party-at-sea offering, and the KK Homme, a party billed for “gay, bisexual men and their allies.”

Pinky Promise, which bills itself as a platform to “explore, heal and express your sexuality,” also noticed a surge in ticket sales to its parties. According to the founder Jared Philippo, the British company now hosts an average of around 1,100 guests at parties in London, Berlin and Paris, up from 400.

It’s not just couples who are fueling the trend; solo travelers are also flying for sex parties. Last summer, Louise, a London-based grant adviser who requested her last name be omitted to preserve her privacy, headed to the Peacock Garden, a queer-friendly pop-up sex party, at Amsterdam’s Age of Aquarius festival. While Louise has previously traveled with partners and friends to attend sex parties, she hoped going alone would allow her to be led entirely by her own desires.

“I’m intentionally going solo, and I’m intentionally going to something I’ve never been to before, because I want to have the freedom to sort of bounce around in whatever way I want,” she said before her trip. “If I decide to spend the whole weekend just dancing on the dance floor, I can. And if I want to attend a bunch of workshops, I can, and if I want to, you know, indulge in play and whatever, I can.”

Ally Iseman, the founder of Passport 2 Pleasure, a relationship-coaching service for couples, believes the open-mindedness travel inspires can amplify the sex party experience.

“Destination sex puts you in a curiosity state,” she said. “You might try things that you wouldn’t have normally.”

It’s also an opportunity, Ms. Iseman added, to see how the cultural differences of each place manifest in erotic expression.

“Different parties in different parts of the world have their own flavor, have their own vibe, have their own style,” she said, “so I get to experience things that I literally wouldn’t be able to in that same way back home.”

Tailoring the party to the destination is a key aspect for Mr. Philippo, of Pinky Promise, when he plans events. The “cuddle corner,” where guests can sip tea and get cozy, is a big hit in London. Less so in Berlin, a city whose hedonistic nightlife began fueling tourism after the fall of the Berlin Wall and where sexuality is as central to the clubbing experience as music. Many of that city’s venues feature dark rooms — a no-frills version of a playroom, where partygoers can engage in sexual acts in relative privacy.

“The scene was already thriving in Berlin,” said Mr. Philippo, whose events always have a colorful dress code, typically feature cabaret performances, and cost £30 (approximately $38.90) per ticket. “What we brought to it was more of a new destination for people to explore the more sensual, playful, theatrical side around sexuality.”

Sex parties aim to provide a judgment-free, respectful environment, which attracts a large number of L.G.B.T.Q. and polyamorous people — communities that may not always feel comfortable or safe expressing their sexuality when traveling to unfamiliar places.

While planning a trip to Berlin to attend Pornceptual, a party that celebrates erotic art and draws up to 2,000 attendees for each event, Drew Wyllie, a bisexual content creator based in Mexico City, used the sex-positive dating app PURE to meet other attendees. Mr. Wyllie emphasized that these events can simply be a social, inclusive place to dress up, dance and flirt without being sexualized or objectified.

“There’s a list of conducts that you have to agree on before entering,” he said, referring to Pornceptual’s “safe-space guidelines,” which include rules on consent, respectful interactions and taking responsibility for acts of misconduct. Similar guidelines are common among sex parties, making the rules clear to all attendees. “It feels like a safe environment to explore your sexuality,” Mr. Wyllie said.

Jonathan Manders, a London-based product manager who attends sex parties about once a month, notes that the sex party regulars are more cautious around “tourists” — newbies who are eager but inexperienced.

“Even though I love the space and recommend it to anyone who’s interested, if you’re completely inexperienced with, you know, boundaries and consent, or you tend to avoid confrontation and you struggle to say no to people, it’s probably better not to enter the playrooms until you’ve worked on that a little bit,” Mr. Manders said.

His advice for anyone attending their first party — besides clearly discussing boundaries and consent with partners — is to make an effort to dress up, don’t get too intoxicated and try not to have expectations. “You might not have any play experiences, or you might go and you might have more than you were intending,” he said.

Before any Pinky Promise event, attendees receive an email reminding them of the code of conduct, which includes using “clear direct verbal communication,” respecting confidentiality (photography is prohibited) and taking a “mindful approach” when consuming intoxicating substances. Safeguarding team members in high-visibility vests are positioned throughout the event, including at the door to the playroom, where they assess attendee preparedness before they enter, asking questions like whether they have clearly defined boundaries with their partner.

While defining and maintaining boundaries is essential to having a positive experience at a sex party, stepping out of one’s comfort zone can be part of the appeal.

This year, Mr. Manders flew solo to Paris to attend a Pinky Promise sex party.

“I wasn’t really sure what the night would be like and if people would speak English, so there was certainly some nerves around that,” he said. Bolstered by the “pure electric” atmosphere, Mr. Manders didn’t take long to make new friends, and he found himself among the last partygoers, staying at the venue until nearly 7 a.m.

“Since coming home from that party in France, I’ve been having a very extroverted phase,” he said. “The electricity came home with me.”

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