Limerence, Attachment Styles, and Recovery

Limerence is an intense, consuming, and exhausting experience that often involves obsessive and intrusive thinking about a person or object that is often referred to in psychoanalytical or therapeutic terms as the Limerent Object (LO). A person experiencing limerence will often have persistent thoughts of intense affection, attraction, or obsessively fantasizing about a LO; in extreme cases, this interferes with their ability to form and maintain healthy relationships in real life (Wyant, 2021).

In many cases, the person will not be in an authentic or close relationship with the person they are obsessing about, i.e., they often don’t genuinely know the person. The LO most often represents an unmet need or symbolizes something that is lacking and something the person experiencing limerence yearns for, craves, desires, or has lost (Bakshi and Ansari, 2023). For instance, if the LO is a person with seemingly strong family values and is loyal to family members, then they may represent someone who is dependable, stable, secure, and a strong moral figure, and on a psychological level, the LO could potentially meet an unmet need with regards to family security and loyalty.

It is more common for people who have had chaotic or dysfunctional childhoods to experience limerence, which is why attachment theory is often helpful when understanding limerence and how to overcome it (Bradley et al., 2024). Limerence is an experience that creates chemicals that may feel good temporarily and replicate the experience of falling in love; it can trigger feel-good hormones like dopamine, oxytocin, and serotonin (Ahsan, 2025). But like any obsession, the consequences of prolonged periods of limerence can be harmful and unhealthy and, in some extreme cases, dangerous to the person experiencing limerence.

From a neurodiversity perspective, limerence is a phenomenon that is commonly experienced by those with ADHD, ASD, and the combination neurotype AuDHD. Understanding that this thinking and these experiences are indicators of underlying psychological and emotional issues is the first step to managing limerence and recovering from it. Here are some of my professional thoughts on how to manage and overcome limerent thinking.

Limerence Serves a Purpose: Identify It

Limerence serves a purpose. It is communicating an issue and meeting a chemical craving, and temporarily attempting to fulfill an innate desire for love, safety, and security through maladaptive cognitive processes and coping mechanisms (Frenette, 2024). To understand why some people are more prone to limerence than others, it is best to think in terms of chemicals and neurotransmitters and that limerence is one of the ways our brains behave to self-soothe and try to regulate our nervous system and feel safe and loved and accepted.

As a therapist, I find it helpful to consider limerence as an addiction and treat it as such. To me, it is a powerful and persistent distraction from experiencing emotional and psychological pain and a way for our brain to try to protect us by avoiding distress and discomfort through maladaptive coping mechanisms.

One of the most important and fundamental stages of working through limerence is identifying what it is trying to communicate to us, what it is suggesting needs attention and exploration, and often what it is hiding or protecting us from. Limerence is our imagination, and while it can be entertaining and soothing up until a point, often it can be distressing, concerning, and relentless, and in many situations, it becomes disabling and can have a devastating impact on the lives and relationships of those experiencing it.

Understand Your Attachment Style

When understanding limerence and what causes or creates limerence, it is helpful to understand and consider attachment styles. When becoming familiar with attachment styles, it is important to remember that your attachment style can change with work and awareness, and that they are not fixed.

My attachment style has moved from insecure to more secure through years of work and self-development, and when I experience limerence now, I am quick to identify it and understand that it is often triggered by stressful events in my life. Childhood experiences and trauma can impact our attachment style and propensity to limerent thinking, but we can make steps and concerted efforts to change our attachment style and redirect our thinking and cognitions. Limerence is something that I now identify with insecurity, and I know when it is high, that I am not feeling secure or safe in my life. That allows me the freedom to be more objective about the limerent thinking and to manage my life and stress levels accordingly. With limerence, like any maladaptive coping mechanism or addictive behaviour, it is important to take control of this issue before it controls you.

Be Creative

I have used limerence and my obsessive thinking patterns and special interests as fuel and inspiration for writing and used my limerent objects as muses to create musings and to express my creativity through prose, poetry, storytelling, and comedy. The more I know myself and understand what my LO is symbolizing and communicating about me, the easier limerence is to manage and the less I take it seriously or allow it to dictate my life and my time, I see it as a sign that I am stressed, and I see the LOs as representations of unmet needs in difficult times.

The truth is, I know that many of them have not been suitable romantic interests or credible partners because I often don't know them, and we are generally incompatible in terms of interests, lifestyles, morals, and beliefs. I see them as my brain distracting me from more painful and distressing work that I am trying to avoid and to process this, I must express and explore the underlying messages of the limerent thinking and the symbolism of the LO.

Throughout history, artists have had muses and our imaginations are powerful artistic tools when used in a healthy and safe way. Limerence is an experience rooted in fantasy, and it can help to think of it as creative material to gather and which can be purged and the wisdom integrated in a constructive and healthy way through creative activities and literary pursuits. These channels allow us to explore our psyches and confront unresolved attachment wounds and relationship patterns and move away from maladaptive coping mechanisms that no longer serve us.

Recovery requires work and commitment

To recover from limerence requires work and a commitment to processing the unresolved issues and experiences that it is highlighting. My experiences of limerence are that it was most prominent at times of uncertainty and extreme stress in my life and at times when I craved safety, and the LOs made me feel safe thinking about them, especially when I felt so unsafe, confused and unsettled in my real intimate and close relationships. To manage and recover from limerence, it is essential to acknowledge what the experience is telling you about yourself, what unmet need the LO is symbolizing, and to recover means to work through the attachment wounds and manage the stress, and be committed to healing, self-awareness, and self-development. Limerence is rooted in fantasy, to improve your reality and real relationships, it is vital that it is contained, managed and processed.

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