Having difficult conversations is beneficial in relationships. (Chay_Tee/Shutterstock)
In a nutshell
- Being honest with your partner during difficult conversations improves emotional well-being and relationship satisfaction, even if your partner doesn’t think you’re being honest.
- Couples don’t need to perfectly agree on what was said for honesty to help; both actual honesty and the perception of honesty independently benefit relationships.
- Despite common fears, expressing uncomfortable truths strengthens relationships more than it harms them, and many of the benefits last for months.
ROCHESTER, N.Y. — Your relationship can handle way more honesty than you think it can. In fact, a new study from the University of Rochester found that being brutally honest with your partner benefits both of you, even when things get messy.
Most people believe that difficult conversations will harm their relationships more than help them, leading us to avoid uncomfortable topics or sugarcoat our feelings. But research published in Social Psychological and Personality Science suggests we’re wrong about the costs of being direct with our partners.
Scientists examined 214 romantic couples who had been together an average of 15 years. Researchers brought these couples into a laboratory and had them discuss something one partner wanted the other to change, the kind of conversation most people dread having. Partners took turns being the person requesting change and the person receiving the feedback.
Before couples talked, participants privately wrote down what they wanted their partner to change. Then researchers compared what people wrote in private to what they actually said out loud during recorded conversations. Independent observers watched these videos and rated how honest each person was being by comparing their private thoughts to their spoken words.
The Benefits of Difficult Conversations
When people were more honest about requesting changes from their partners, both people in the relationship reported better emotional well-being and higher relationship satisfaction immediately after the conversation.
Researchers found that couples didn’t need to share the same reality about the conversation for both people to benefit from it. What mattered more was that people actually were honest and that their partners perceived them as honest.
Researchers tested their findings across multiple measures, including self-reported emotional well-being, relationship satisfaction, and motivation to change. They also had trained observers rate the same factors. The pattern held consistent across all measures.
Three months later, many benefits persisted. People who had been more honest during the initial discussion reported better emotional well-being and were more likely to see positive changes in their partners over time.
We want to be honest with our partners, but we also want to protect them from potential hurt. Previous studies show that people systematically overestimate how much honest communication will damage their relationships while underestimating its benefits.
Study participants weren’t discussing minor annoyances either. Changes people requested were specifically chosen to be topics they would find uncomfortable to share, real issues that could potentially cause conflict. Yet even in these challenging circumstances, honesty proved beneficial.
Communication style didn’t change the results much. Whether people were blunt or gentle, restrained or disclosing, honesty helped relationships more than it hurt them.
When partners perceived their significant other as being honest, even if outside observers disagreed, those partners still experienced benefits. This suggests that feeling heard and respected can improve relationship satisfaction regardless of objective truth.
You don’t need perfect communication skills or complete agreement about what happened for honesty to help your relationship. You just need willingness to share authentic thoughts and feelings.
Previous research shows our intuitions about difficult conversations are often wrong. We catastrophize potential negative outcomes while minimizing possible benefits. This study suggests that conversations we’re most afraid to have might be exactly what our relationships need. Most couples can handle truth better than we think, and being direct about needs and concerns strengthens rather than weakens close relationships.
Rather than walking on eggshells around sensitive topics, couples should lean into honest communication. The truth can set your relationship free, even when you and your partner don’t see eye to eye on what that truth looks like.
Paper Summary
Methodology
Researchers recruited 214 romantic couples (428 individuals) from the community through Facebook and university outreach. Participants averaged about 36 years old and had been in relationships for an average of 15 years. The study used a three-part design: a background survey where participants privately described changes they wanted from their partner, a laboratory session where couples discussed these changes while being video recorded, and a three-month follow-up survey. During lab sessions, partners took turns being the person requesting change and receiving feedback. Researchers measured honesty using both self-reports and observer ratings, comparing what participants wrote privately to what they actually said to their partners. Multiple trained research assistants independently coded the videos for honesty and emotional responses.
Results
The study found that both expressed honesty (when people were actually honest) and perceived honesty (when partners thought they were being honest) independently predicted better outcomes for couples. Greater honesty led to improved emotional well-being, higher relationship satisfaction, and increased motivation to change immediately after difficult conversations. These benefits occurred regardless of whether couples agreed on how honest the conversation actually was. Some positive effects persisted three months later, including better emotional well-being for the honest partners and greater perceived success in making requested changes.
Limitations
The laboratory setting may have limited how naturally couples communicated, potentially suppressing more aggressive or confrontational styles. Participants who volunteered for the study may have been more open to feedback than typical couples. The sample was predominantly white and well-educated, limiting generalizability across different populations. The study only examined one type of difficult conversation (requesting partner changes) rather than other challenging relationship discussions, and the artificial nature of the lab environment may not reflect how couples communicate at home.
Funding and Disclosures
The research was supported by grant #61842 from the John Templeton Foundation’s Honesty Project. The authors declared no potential conflicts of interest with respect to the research, authorship, or publication of the article.
Publication Information
The paper “Expressed and Perceived Honesty Benefits Relationships Even When Couples Are Not Accurate” by Bonnie M. Le, Princeton X. Chee, Claire J. Shimshock, and Jenny D. V. Le was published in Social Psychological and Personality Science in 2025. The study was conducted at the University of Rochester, and all materials and analysis scripts are available on the Open Science Framework.