What’s holding you back from living out your dreams and reaching your biggest goals in your career and life? The biggest obstacle for most of us is fear, according to Scott Barry Kaufman, PhD, psychologist, adjunct associate professor of psychology at Columbia University, and author of the new book Rise Above.
Unfortunately, fear is part of life, and as a species, we humans have evolved to focus more on the things we fear than the things we want. And it’s a normal human reaction to avoid the things that frighten us. So when faced with the opportunity to go after a new piece of business or a new project, or take on a new task where there’s a real risk of failure, the easiest and least frightening course of action is no action at all. This is why experts say procrastination has nothing to do with laziness. It’s about fear, and seeking to avoid negative emotions.
How can you get past this resistance to negative emotions, set fear aside, and take real steps toward getting the things you want most? We can unlearn fear, and learn hopefulness instead, Kaufman writes. And he has a simple but brilliant suggestion for how to start. Ask questions that begin with “what.”
When we’re struggling, most of us focus on “why” questions, he notes. “Why can’t I get something going?” “Why do I keep failing or getting rejected?” “Why won’t anyone give me a chance?” Those might all seem like useful questions. After all, if you can analyze why something isn’t working for you, that might seem like a first step toward solving the problem.
But “what” questions are much more effective than “why” questions when you’re trying to unlearn fear. If your latest pitch didn’t go well, instead of asking yourself why you can’t get it right, or why bad things happen to you, ask yourself a “what” question. For example: What are you feeling in this moment? What can you do right now that would make you feel better? What can you do to improve your chances of success next time?
“Why” questions can lead to a negative spiral, Kaufman writes. “What” questions can help you gain objectivity and start coming up with practical actions to take that might make things better. Next time you’re feeling frustrated about a problem, give some “what” questions a try.
There’s a growing audience of Inc.com readers who receive a daily text from me with a self-care or motivational micro-challenge or tip. Often, they text me back and we wind up in a conversation. (Want to know more? It’s easy to try it out and you can easily cancel anytime. Here’s some information about the texts and a special invitation to a two-month free trial.) Many of my subscribers are entrepreneurs or business leaders who know just how lethal it can be to their companies or their careers to get stuck in a spiral of negative thinking. Asking “what” questions is a great way to avoid having that happen.
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