Fewer Parents Are Becoming Grandparents—and Many Are Grieving the Loss

11 min read

Nina Davidson* of St. Louis has two daughters in their early 40s who have each decided not to have kids. “Honestly, I’m crushed by the fact that we won’t be grandparents,” she says. “I am really devastated, but it is of course their decision.”

Making things more difficult is the fact that, in the broad circle of friends in which she raised her kids, she’s the only one who doesn’t have grandkids. “I’m happy for them, I really am—but I’m sad for me,” she says. “And it’s hard to be the odd mom out when so much of the conversation revolves around how adorable their grandkids are. I’m smiling but inside I’m having a hard time, especially when they don’t ask me anything about my life after I ask them about their grandkids.”

While grandparents aren’t becoming an endangered species, Nina Davidson is far from alone. While Boomers like her—all of whom will be 65 or older by 2030—are hitting prime grandparenting age—fewer of their children are having their own kids than ever before. Recent U.S. Census Bureau data shows that about 40% of American women in their early 30s don’t have children, an increase from about 29% a decade ago. And according to provisional data released by the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) in April 2026, the US fertility rate hit a record low in 2025; about 3.6 million babies were born, down nearly 20% from two decades ago and 710,000 fewer than the peak in 2007.

Thanks to this declining birth rate, only about half of adults ages 50–90 were grandparents in 2023, down from 57% in 2018, according to the National Center for Family & Marriage Research at Bowling Green State University. So, fewer seniors than ever before will become grandparents and many are not happy about it. But while much has been written about the declining birth rate, less coverage has been devoted to the simultaneous decline in grandparenthood—and the real grief and sadness experienced by those who anticipated having grandkids only to learn that they never will.

Making such a decision is not necessarily a reflection of the way these adult children were raised or who their parents are—or are not, says Jay Zigmont, Ph.D., of Nashville, a cultural economist who specializes in the childfree social shift. “For the Boomer generation, having kids was the default choice and an expected part of culture, religion, and family,” he says. “The younger generations are pausing to think hard about their choices before having a child.”

“Adult children today are making reproductive decisions within very different cultural, economic, environmental, and personal contexts than previous generations,” adds Lauren Mahoney, Psy.D., a psychologist and adjunct assistant professor at the City University of New York. “Many are intentionally choosing not to have children, delaying parenthood, or facing infertility.”

Joshua Robinson, LCSW, a psychotherapist and owner of Stillwater Counseling in Fredericksburg, Virginia, says it also comes down to the difficult logistics of raising kids today. “The most obvious reason driving this trend is the rising costs of goods and child care,” he says. “Plus some people don't feel they have the emotional or physical support they need from family members to raise a child—they have no ‘village.’” Potential grandparents may still be working or live far away. Accessibility to birth control like IUDs, the effects of climate change, and scary political news across the globe all also contribute to many individuals deciding to remain childfree.

Since many people expect having grandchildren to be an inevitable part of aging, they may feel blindsided by their feelings of grief when this does not come to pass.

There is a name for the type of yearning to be a grandparent but not having control over that dream: “disenfranchised” or “unacknowledged” grief, explains New York grief therapist Lauren Hunter. “These types of grief often go unnoticed by society, leaving individuals feeling depressed, lonely, and hopeless about a future they had always dreamed of.” The grief is real and legitimate, yet typically unrecognized or accepted by others.

That could be because it’s harder to put a finger on grief surrounding what could have been. “Grief related to not being grandparents does not involve mourning the loss of a relationship one has previously known,” explains Dr. Lori Bohn, a California psychiatric-mental health nurse practitioner. “Instead, it involves grieving the loss of a future envisioned over years or even decades.”

That invisibility makes it even harder to process, explains Valentina Lipskaia, a clinical psychologist based in the UAE. “When a parent realizes they won't become a grandparent, whether because their child is childfree by choice or circumstance, they're mourning something that never existed,” she says. “Psychologists call this ambiguous loss—grief without a clear endpoint or social ritual to validate it. There's no funeral, no casserole from the neighbors—just a quiet, ongoing ache that many people feel they have no right to express.”

In addition, society frequently reinforces the expectation that motherhood naturally progresses into grandmotherhood, presenting it as the “next chapter” of a successful family life. “When that transition doesn’t occur, women may question not only what they have lost but also where they belong developmentally,” Dr. Mahoney says. “They may struggle with feelings that are difficult to name, particularly when peers are sharing stories and photographs of grandchildren while they are quietly confronting an entirely different reality.”

Of course, parents don’t want grandkids just because “everyone else has them” but rather because they feel they are missing out on a very special family relationship. Is there anything sweeter than a new baby in the family who looks like your own baby and that you can love, hug, and watch grow up to continue your family legacy, values, and traditions? “Although I understand my daughters’ reasons for not wanting children and I would never pressure them to have any just because I want to be a grandparent, it doesn’t change the fact that I long to have a grandchild to love and cherish,” says Krista Battrick, a pediatric nurse from Vashon Island, WA. “My parents always told me that being a grandparent was a thousand times better than being a parent because you get to enjoy them so much more.”

Carol Larsen* of Atlanta, whose sons have decided not to have kids, says she’s missing out on an entire phase of life. “I feel like I’m unable to complete maturing as an adult because I’ll never get to pass on my stored memories, treasures, or any parental advice to my children,” she says. Adds Alyssa Mannes* of Columbus, OH, whose 38-year-old daughter is not having kids, “Children keep you feeling young. And with no relative other than my daughter to carry on my genes, there is also the loss of youth and moving forward.”

When I asked some people about how they felt about not having grandkids, words like “devastated,” “sad,” and “lonely,” were mentioned most frequently.

“In simple terms, I feel sad about it,” says Sheila Ryan Kerber of Hudson, NY, whose one daughter, 39, is not having kids. “It’s something that never occurred to me—I always thought I would. It has completely changed how I felt my life would be at this point in time, and I had no idea that the effects of this would touch me in so many ways, at different times.”

Ruth Ann Hughes of Vancouver, WA, whose daughter, 43, and son, 31, also aren’t having children, can relate to those feelings, even while feeling fulfilled in other areas. “Honestly, I feel cheated,” she says. “We are active and like to travel and volunteer, but truthfully it often feels like a Band-Aid.”

Nancy Thomas* of Denver, whose two sons in their late 30s don’t have kids, is frustrated that it’s beyond her control. “The grief of not having grandchildren is terrible because it’s something that I always thought would happen and I counted on it happening,” she says, “and there’s just nothing that I can do about it.”

Compounding those feelings of grief for many is that they may be the only ones in their families or friend group without grandkids. “I have been grieving and dealing with loss, sadness, and loneliness,” says Alyssa Mannes* of Detroit, whose 35-year-old daughter is not having kids. “I feel abnormal, isolated from friends and family since I’m not a grandmother and they are.”

Mandy Kellogg* of Stamford, CT, admits it makes her angry. “I can’t understand why this has happened to my family,” she says. “I feel so envious of those who have grandchildren.”

The adult children who have decided not to have kids understand their parents’ feelings, but they feel confident that their decision was right for them. Says Erin Hartley, an LMFT in her late 30s based in Seattle who has decided not to have children, “I can appreciate the sadness, disappointment, or even grief my parents might feel in not becoming grandparents,” she says. “But ultimately, I think part of parenting is respecting your adult children’s choices, even when they might differ from what you expected. I hope with time my parents will come to respect that.”

Lara Mason* of Las Vegas, who has the only grandchild among her siblings but whose parents wanted more, notes that it’s not the grandparents who have to deal with the realities of raising a child today. “Of course I understand how they feel,” she says, “but I’ve also said to them, ‘If you wanted more grandkids, you shouldn’t have voted time and again to make things so expensive for the next generation.’”

What can someone who is a grandparent say or do for someone who is struggling with this issue? First of all, yes, your grandchildless friends are happy for you—but it still might be a painful topic for them. “We are very good at smiling to hide the pain,” Thomas says.

“I think that a friend can avoid the overdoing of talking about and showing the endless photos and videos of the grandchildren,” Kerber says. Adds Battrick, “I think they just need to be aware that there are now so many people who are not going to become grandparents and be mindful of this when talking with those friends.”

“Everyone walks different paths—we don’t have to share the same life experiences with people to find ways to connect and support each other,” says Jillian Amodio, LCSWC, a clinical social worker and psychology professor in Annapolis, MD. “Ask about their life, their family, their feelings, their goals, dreams, hopes, interests, etc. in the same way you would anyone else you care about. And if you feel like these friends would enjoy spending time with you and your grandchildren, invite them!”

Finally, says Hughes, “If it comes up that this is a sensitive topic for someone, I think the best thing is just ‘I'm sorry, I know that must be difficult.’ Nothing else is really needed.”

“As our kids grow into adulthood our job as parents moves from managing them to managing ourselves in response to how they may decide to live their lives,” explains Michael Hilgers, M.MFT, a New Mexico licensed professional counselor.

Lipskaia adds that often in her clinical work, “Grief can get layered with guilt—‘I shouldn't feel this way, it's their life’—and shame, and sometimes that resentment can damage the parent-child relationship.”

Experts recommend trying to adopt “psychological flexibility” that offers space for both sadness and acceptance, a stance that will help the parents to preserve the most important relationship—with their own child. “It’s essential that adults identify what they are experiencing without blame or guilt toward an adult child,” says Stacy Sheller, an LMFT in Santa Ana, CA. “Parents may be able to acknowledge their child's choice or situation while also acknowledging the real feelings of loss. Compassion in holding these two realities will allow space for grieving while protecting the relationship.”

Adds Dr. Zigmont, “As a parent, you want what is right for your kids. Having kids was right for you, but it may not be right for them. You get to decide how you react to your kids not having kids. You can either embrace them and their life choices or make them feel guilty for ‘letting you down.’”

Of course, says Amodio, “there are no right or wrong answers here. Life has a way of taking us on unexpected journeys and it is important to be able to practice acceptance and flexibility wherever possible to navigate life’s challenges and joys.”

“It’s also important,” she adds, “not to make our happiness dependent on any one thing or relationship as this would only set us up for failure.”

Experts agree that it is critical that parents support their children no matter their choices. “It’s not for us to decide whether or not our children have children of their own and especially not just so we can experience being a grandparent,” Battrick says. “We are in unprecedented times with an economy that makes it very difficult to afford to live in and a world that can be very challenging and isolating—so it is not surprising that this is happening.”

The math is clear—fewer children being born means fewer people will get to be grandparents. “We are living in a cultural shift and some are experiencing the fallout of it,” Kerber says. She and others in the same situation believe that people must be educated about this change in demographics with the hope of increasing their sensitivity and tact. Hughes is also hopeful that “as this becomes more of an issue that more of us struggle with, there are more 'safe' places and events we can be part of together.”

Research on ambiguous loss consistently shows that unacknowledged grief tends to become chronic grief. The goal isn't to “get over it” but rather to integrate the loss while preserving the relationship with your child. Grief over not having grandkids is not a problem to eliminate but rather to address. Suggestions from therapists Erin Hartley, Valentina Lipskaia, and Dr. Zoe Ross-Nash of Alexandria, VA to do so include:

Name it explicitly. Calling it grief—not disappointment, not preference—gives people permission to process it properly.

• Frame it as grief and not as disappointment in your child. Disappointment gets pointed at someone while grief is something you're allowed to feel and is a natural step toward acceptance.
• Separate expectations from relationships. Recognize that maintaining a loving relationship with your adult children is more fulfilling than allowing unmet expectations to create distance. Don’t ask your children when they are planning to reproduce.
• Mourn your loss without resorting to resentment or criticism. Acknowledge the sadness or disappointment while accepting the decision of the adult child not to have kids; prioritize your relationship with your adult child.
• Find a space where your grief can be processed, whether a therapist, a support group, a trusted friend/peer, or an online community of people similarly mourning a version of their future that isn't happening. Do not process your grief through your children.
• Don't grieve in isolation. We don’t always need solutions; sometimes we just need support.
• Find meaning outside the biological script. Mentorship roles, community involvement, and “chosen family” connections through such online groups as Surrogate Grandparents (with 8,400+ members) or with extended family or neighbors without biological family nearby can activate the same caregiving neural pathways.
• Expand upon your perception of generative potential or the desire to contribute to the development of subsequent generations. Mentoring, volunteering, and establishing close relationships with other children or young adults is not a replacement for grandchildren but they do provide opportunities for nurturing, teaching, and connecting with younger generations and building lives that reflect your deepest values.
• Understand that you can build a life with meaning, even if it does not look like how you expected it to. Explore building a new purpose for later in life: retirement, travel, hobbies, classes, volunteering, friendships, etc.
• Meet your children where they are. Many young adults adopt pets who become almost like their surrogate kids. Yes, a dog or cat is not a child but being involved with a “grand-dog” can allow you to experience a nurturing relationship that is important to your adult child.

*Names and some identifying details changed for privacy